The World's Finest Soldiers
by Courier999
Summary: COBRA: a nebulous association of ne'er-do-wells with access to advanced technology, vast reserves of manpower, and a great deal of weapons. Opposing them on all fronts is GI Joe- a American-based elite fighting force consisting of the finest men and women the world has to offer. Rated T for violence and scary content. Set in the same universe as "The Evil Below". R&R!
1. Chapter 1

GI JOE: The World's Finest Soldiers

_GI Joe_ and related characters are property of Hasbro.

Chapter 1: The Weatherman, Part 1

ARCLAY GEOENGINEERING, RESEARCH FACILITY M4

INVERNESS, SCOTLAND:

"Hands behind your heads and nobody gets hurt!"

The scientists cowered as the COBRA Vipers walked through the facility.

"Tell the Baroness we have-"

The lead Viper felt a tap on his shoulder.

"I'm standing right here, _dumkopf_."

The Vipers turned to face a black-haired woman in glasses and a skintight bodysuit.

"Baroness! I see you're looking good tonight."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. Any sign of what we're looking for?"

"I told yer goons that we're a _research_ facility. If you're looking for the device, then you're going to have to go-" the lead scientist began.

The Baroness grabbed him by the forearm.

"Where?"

"I'm not telling you!"

The COBRA officer smirked as her boot made contact with the lead scientist's groin.

"_Now_ will you tell me?"

"It's in Leip-"

A gunshot pierced the air and a Viper dropped dead.

"The 'ell is that?"

The Baroness scowled.

"GI Joe." she muttered.

* * *

"An' score one fer Snake Eyes!"

"Very funny, Scarlett."

"Ah, come on! Lighten up, ol' buddy!"

Snake Eyes lowered part of his mask. In the darkness, the light phosphorescent glow of his cybernetic eyes was enough to make his fellow sniper a bit jumpy.

"Kill confirmed. Your turn."

Scarlett lay prone on the hillock overlooking the research facility and fired her rifle. Inside the building, another Viper fell dead.

"Get away from the windows!" the Baroness ordered.

The Vipers began to withdraw as Snake Eyes fired another shot.

"Missed." he muttered.

* * *

"Baroness to Cobra Commander. The Joes are here, and we've taken two deaths. Orders?"

"_Baroness, do you have the device?_"

"Negative. However, interrogation of the lead scientist at this facility gave us the location. It's in Leipzig."

"_Good to know. Now, RETREAT!_"

"_Men Herr_, I cannot-"

"_Do it! I can't afford to lose you to GI Joe!_"

"Understood. Baroness out."

The Vipers filed into a large black cargo helicopter, and the Baroness joined them.

"Set a course for the drop-off point in Orkney." she ordered the pilot.

The helicopter roared into the Scottish night.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Weatherman, Part 2

THE PIT:

"So, the Baroness got away?"

"That is correct, Duke."

The First Sergeant turned and faced Snake Eyes.

"Scarlett?"

"What he said."

Duke sighed.

"How?"

"With all due respect, Duke, I cannot hit what I cannot see. The Baroness's escape-" Snake Eyes began

"Enough. We've got a new problem. COBRA's going to be looking for the MMD-"

"The which-what?" Scarlett asked.

Duke groaned.

"The Meteorological Manipulation Device. It was in the mission briefing."

"Oh, that weather machine." Scarlett replied.

"Yes- that. And judging from the debrief, COBRA knows where to look."

Snake Eyes snickered.

"Knowing COBRA, they're probably not going to find it. It's like a needle in a haystack, and withCOBRA's incompetence-" he began.

"Apples don't fall far from the tree. Knowing that Arclay Geo's got a warehouse in Leipzig, it's going to be there." Duke interrupted.

"Then that's where we're going." Scarlett replied.

"Let's call up a team and get going. Snake Eyes- tell Ace to saddle up and get the Tomahawk running." Duke added.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Weatherman, Part 3

LEIPZIG, GERMANY:

The Arclay warehouse was surrounded by the city police as the Tomahawk flew in.

"_Alright, this is our stop._" the pilot intoned over the intercom.

"Thanks for the lift, Ace."

"_Any time, Duke._"

Duke grabbed a waiting rifle and exited the helicopter, with Grunt, Breaker, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and Roadblock following him.

* * *

"What's the plan, Sergeant?" Grunt asked.

"First, we're going to get info from law enforcement.'

Duke approached a nearby officer.

"_Sprechen Sie Englisch?_" he asked.

"_Ja._"

"_Gut._"

"Who are you?" the policeman asked.

"First Sergeant Conrad Hauser, GI Joe. I need to know what the situation is inside the warehouse."

"They've got eight, maybe ten armed men in there."

"Any hostages?"

"Yes."

"How many?"

"Seven- a four-man security crew, an on-site inventory manager, and two forklift operators."

"You've been a big help, _meiner Freund_."

Duke put his finger to his headset.

"Team, we've got hostages. Snake Eyes, Scarlett- get to higher ground. Everyone else- you're with me."

"_Aye aye._" Scarlett replied.

* * *

"_Baroness, there's no sign of-_"

"Have you tried scanning for RFID tags?"

"_No._"

"Then do it, you layabouts!"

The Baroness switched off her two-way radio and glared at the inventory manager.

"Well, now I know how the Commander feels." she muttered.

She turned around to a nearby Viper.

"Keep an eye on him. I've got to find the ladies' room."

* * *

Meanwhile, Scarlett and Snake Eyes lay in wait on a nearby rooftop.

"So, you ever had a special someone?" the former asked.

"Time and place, Scarlett. Focus on the task at hand."

Snake Eyes made a series of deliberate blinks and watched as his vision changed. The walls of the warehouse became transparent to him as he readied his aim, focusing his rifle at the Viper in the warehouse office. He exhaled and pulled the trigger. Within a fraction of a second, a bullet flew through the air. Shortly thereafter, the Viper dropped dead after the round had pierced his chest by way of an open window and the drywall.

At that same moment, the Baroness walked back into the office and saw her deceased underling.

"GI Joe's here." she whispered.

* * *

"Before we go in, let's go over some pointers. Shoot straight, conserve ammo, and try not to hit anything that doesn't look like a human being. Breaker- I need you to try to work with the hostages. Gentle words and all that. Grunt- break open that door. After that, you're with me and Roadblock."

Duke's compatriots nodded.

"Let's rock." he whispered.

Grunt positioned himself beside a side door and kicked it open like a mule.

"Go! Go!" Duke exclaimed.

* * *

"_Baroness, is this it?_"

The Baroness looked at a large crate that two Vipers were standing nearby.

"Is it tagged?"

"_Yes, ma'am._"

"Then we've found the device's control unit. Get a forklift going and load it onto the truck."

As if on cue, Duke and his cohorts burst into the warehouse.

"Alright, Baroness. Stand down." Breaker ordered.

"Vipers- engage the enemy!"

Duke leapt behind a nearby crate and fired a few errant rounds at the Baroness's troops.

"Roadblock- I need suppression fire!"

Roadblock nodded as he braced his M2 Browning against another crate and started shooting.

"What are you clowns waiting for?! _MACHT SCHNELL! MACHT SCHNELL!_" Baroness yelled.

Roadblock fired another burst from his gun, taking out four Vipers.

"Snake Eyes- take out that forklift!" Duke yelled over the radio.

"_Repeat?_"

"I said take out- oh, very funny. You just wanted to hear me say 'I'd never think I'd ever have to say take out that forklift', didn't you?"

"_Maybe._"

"Just- oh great, they got away because you asked me to repeat a legitimate order! You're getting your pay docked when we get back, Snake Eyes!"

* * *

"Commander, we have the control unit. Cost us five Vipers, but we-"

"_Excellent, Baroness! The transport is waiting for you and the device._"

"Affirmative, Cobra Commander."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Weatherman, Part 4

"So, Leipzig was a wash." Hawk muttered as he looked over the team that just returned from there.

"It's Snake Eyes's fault!" Duke interjected.

"Oh, go ahead and blame Snake Eyes for it. Never mind that you gave a seemingly nonsensical order- oh no, it's always _Snake Eyes_'s fault!" came the reply.

"Can it, Snake Eyes."

Hawk sighed.

"Now that COBRA has the control unit for the MMD, they're probably going to try and build the damn thing, if they already haven't. Now if I were Cobra Commander, where would I set up my weather-alteration machine?" he announced.

"Somewhere where he can get lots of power on tap- I mean, that thing's got to be an energy hog." Duke replied.

"Also, we can effectively rule out access to any nuclear plants, as any nation not run by total morons wouldn't let COBRA anywhere near a live reactor." Snake Eyes added.

"Roadblock, you have anything?"

The Joes' heavy weapons expert cleared his throat.

"Let's suppose that CC's built the weather machine- just suppose that he did. Like Duke said, that thing's going to need a lot of power on tap to run, and we can all agree that COBRA's chances of getting near a nuclear power plant are virtually none."

"So?" Scarlett asked.

"Geothermal or hydroelectric power would be my best bet."

Grunt's eyes lit up.

"Son of a- you don't mean?"

"Yep. Three Gorges Dam. Annual energy generation clocks in at about a hundred terawatt hours. CC hooks the device up to those generators- he's going to have no problem powering that thing."

Hawk sighed.

"Well, it looks like we're going to China. This is going to be a doozy."

* * *

THREE GORGES DAM, CHINA:

"Isn't it beautiful?" Cobra Commander squealed as he saw the nearly completed device.

"Only if your sense of taste leans towards the industrial."

"I'll let that slide, Destro. Now then, how much longer until-"

"_Just finished._" a Viper announced over the Commander's two-way radio.

"Is it-"

"_Yes. We just finished hooking it up to the main generators._"

"Goody gumdrops! Baroness, get the camera ready!"

* * *

"_Greetings, world! It is I, Cobra Commander, with a very important message! First of all- meet the new face of international terrorism! Who needs disgruntled young m- what's that, Destro? I'm going off script? Spoilsport!"_

"_Anyways- nations of the world, tremble before the might of COBRA! Behind me is a little something I call the Weather Dominator. What does it do, you may ask? It allows me to control the weather- WHY ELSE WOULD I CALL IT THE WEATHER DOMINATOR?! Point is, with the press of a button, I can screw you all over so hard you'll lock yourselves in the bathroom with a tube of soothing cream!" _

"_Let's see here- a February hurricane in Canada? A sudden unexpected drought over Kansas and Iowa? The Rhine overflowing its banks due to weeks of unceasing rain? All possible! But what's that I hear? You want to know how you can avert such disasters? It's so simple even a lobotomized gibbon with congenital syphilis could do it- GIVE ME MONEY, YOU GITS! If you pony up the dough, then your nation won't be buried under a layer of snow (write that one down, Destro. I may use it if I go into hip-hop)!_"

* * *

"That was broadcast worldwide, sir." Breaker piped up.

Hawk sighed.

"It looks we don't have any choice. Send in the Joes."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Weatherman, Part 5

"Is the Weather Dominator operational?" Cobra Commander asked.

"It's still warming up." Destro replied.

"_STILL WARMING UP?! ACTIVATE IT ALREADY!_"

"It's too dangerous, Commander! There could be dire consequences!"

"_THERE WILL BE DIRE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU IF YOU DO NOT OBEY MY ORDERS!_"

"B-b-b-"

"_STOP SPUTTERING LIKE A WET TOASTER AND GET BUSY! GI JOE IS UNDOUBTEDLY INBOUND AS WE SPEAK!_"

Destro's radio buzzed.

"_Sir, the Weather Dominator is operational. Should we-_" a Viper began.

"Turn it on already! The Commander's throwing a hissy fit!"

* * *

"Whoa there, girl! Take it easy!" Ace exclaimed.

"What's going on?" Duke asked.

"Rough air ahead. Forecast said smooth fl-"

"It's the MMD. Ace, put the Tomahawk down. We'll take it from here."

Ace nodded and began to land the helicopter.

* * *

"What's the plan?" Scarlett asked as she joined her cohorts on the ground.

Duke looked around.

"Clutch, Flash, Roadblock- your job is to keep the Vipers guarding the entrance busy with the AWE. Breaker, Scarlett, Snake Eyes- we're taking out the MMD. Any questions?"

Silence.

"In that case- _YO JOE!_"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Weatherman, Part 6

"_Outta my way- keep outta my way!_" Clutch sang as he rammed the AWE through a hastily built COBRA checkpoint.

"What's that from?" Flash asked.

"Some new girl band called the Misfits. I've seen 'em play in some of the clubs in LA- they're pretty good."

"What's their sound? New Wave? Punk? Metal? Glam?" Roadblock asked.

"Punk, mostly."

"Don't count on me buying their albums, then."

"What's the matter- you not a fan of punk?" Clutch teased.

"No. I'm just bitter 'cause I lost my copy of _The Wall_ to Ace in a poker game a few nights ago."

* * *

"_TRAMPLE GI JOE, YOU FOOLS!_" Cobra Commander shouted as he watched Flash, Clutch, and Roadblock continue their assault over the video monitor.

Just then, a buzzing light appeared on his console.

"_Commander, we have a breach. GI Joe is inside the dam-_" Baroness reported.

"I'll send someone to deal with it."

The Commander turned to face a white-clad ninja.

"Storm Shadow- deal with the intruders."

"By your command-"

"_DON'T SAY THAT!_ A simple 'yes, sir' or 'gladly, O glorious Cobra Commander' will suffice!"

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"So, what do we do with the weather machine when we reach it?" Scarlett asked.

"Destroy it." Snake Eyes answered.

"_I heard that, Snake Eyes, and I don't think that's a good idea._" Roadblock piped up over the radio.

"Roadblock, get back t-"

"_Hear me out. First, that thing's guzzling power. Destroying it would cause a huge power spike and overload the generators- which would in turn overheat and possibly explode, which would in turn lead to mass structural failure, by which I mean the Three Gorges Dam turns into the walls of Jericho. If that happens- well, would you miss Shanghai?_"

"No. Last time I was there, my luggage got sent to the wrong hotel, my pockets were picked, and the Peking duck was not up to my standards."

"Breaker, do you have anything?" Duke asked.

"I'd try to remove the control unit. According to the schematics, that should trigger an automatic shutdown-"

"Good e-"

The sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor.

"What the-" Breaker began.

Snake Eyes was silent as he drew his wakizashi.

"Quiet. Someone is coming." he intoned.

As if on cue, a white-clad ninja leapt down from a nearby ceiling-mounted pipe.

"_SURPRISE, JOES!_" he exclaimed.

* * *

"Storm Shadow- we meet again." Snake Eyes intoned.

"Snake Eyes, my former brother-in-arms. It's been too long-"

Snake Eyes lunged at his former cohort.

"A shame- all this time, and your manners are still ghastly."

"Manners? You cost me my eyes, _YOU BASTARD! WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT MY MANNERS?!_"

Snake Eyes flung himself over Storm Shadow and landed with catlike grace.

"Bring it." he intoned.

Storm Shadow slipped on a pair of brass knuckles and ran towards his fellow ninja.

"You should have joined me." he hissed.

"Why should I? You left me eyeless and bleeding in the streets of a Los Angeles ghetto." came the reply.

Steel and brass collided in a shower of sparks.

"You betrayed our teacher-"

"_I DID NO SUCH THING!_" Storm Shadow bellowed.

"You knew of the plot. And yet you did nothing! Even as he lay dying in a pool of his own blood, an arrow through his chest- you merely watched!"

Storm Shadow erupted in a flurry of rage, and his fist collided with Snake Eyes's shoulder, knocking the wind out of him.

"Anyone else-"

Scarlett ran up and hit the ninja in the stomach with the butt of her shotgun.

"Cheater…" Storm Shadow wheezed.

* * *

"_Commander, Storm Shadow is down._" Baroness reported.

"How much further-" Cobra Commander began.

The door to the Commander's control room was kicked open, and the four members of GI Joe filed in.

"So, you're Cobra Commander." Duke muttered as he eyed the man with the battle helmet, blue overcoat, and reflective mask standing before him.

"The hell are you?" came the reply.

"Call me Duke."

"Well…Duke- you're too late! The Weather Dominator is running at full power! Nothing can stop me now!"

Snake Eyes leapt towards the machine and hit the "OFF" switch.

"_CURSE YOU, GI JOE!_"

"Commander, what is-"

"Destro! Baroness! Storm Shadow! _RETREAT! RETREAT!_"

* * *

Storm Shadow staggered up from his position and caught his breath.

"I'll-"

His phone went off.

"Yes."

"_STORM SHADOW- GET TO THE HELICOPTER! WE ARE LEAVING!_"

"I'll be a little while-"

"_HURRY UP!_"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Cobra Island

SOME TIME LATER:

"And…done! As of today, Cobra Island is operational!" Cobra Commander proclaimed as he surveyed the completed construction.

The Baroness yawned.

"Why should I care-" she began.

Destro's palm met his face.

"Well, Baroness- since you were off raising the funds for this by…whatever means necessary, I will give you a brief introduction to our new home sweet home!"

"And what was wrong with Springfield?" Storm Shadow asked.

"It got bulldozed by the government. Someone tipped them off that nobody actually lived there." Destro replied.

"_PAY ATTENTION!_"

Cobra Commander's three lieutenants stood stiff as ramrods.

"Now then- see that volcano over there?" the Commander began.

"You're not telling us you built your base in there, are you?"

"Why would I do such a thing? It would be a pain to run the necessary air conditioning, and I wouldn't get the sea breezes!"

"So why did you-" Baroness began.

"Because that's what's generating the electricity for this place! We may be terrorists, but we are environmentally friendly! Also, it's really expensive to ship coal and oil to an island in the middle of nowhere!"

"How much power-" Destro began.

"See that other island? That's where I built the factories!"

"F-f-factories?" Storm Shadow stammered.

"Yes- factories! If we make our own stuff, then nobody can trace it back to us! It's foolproof! _FOOLPROOF!_"

"Commander, may we change the subject to something like…oh, I don't know- something besides factories?" Baroness asked.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"-and that Spanish Colonial Revival place is for our guests if we should ever-" Cobra Commander finished before realizing none of his lieutenants were paying attention.

"_I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS SPIEL, YOU KNOW!_" he bellowed.

Destro raised his hand.

"I was thinking, Cobra Commander. Since we are apparently James Bond villains now, what with the island base and everything, maybe we should recruit some henchmen."

"Destro, you're brilliant! Now, where would we look?"

"I know of a biker gang in the US. They call themselves the Dreadnoks, and-"

"Find me these Dreadnoks- you know what, I'm coming with you! It's time for a COBRA road trip!"

"But who will-"

"Baroness, would you be a doll and watch the island while we menfolk are out on a business trip?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Fine. It's not like I had anything better to do."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 1

"I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your name. I need it for the rec-" Cobra Commander began.

"My name is Zartan." the Dreadnok leader replied.

Destro reached into his coat pocket and produced a fountain pen.

"Now, I'm going to need your age, gender, and race for paperwork purposes." Cobra Commander declared.

"If you must know, the answers to those questions are somewhere in my mid-to-late thirties for the first one and fluid for the last two."

"Explain." Destro ordered as he wrote down Zartan's responses.

Zartan concentrated and shifted into the spitting image of Marilyn Monroe.

"That answer your question, sir?"

"How'd you do that?" Cobra Commander asked

Zartan smirked.

"I have a special gift, s-"

"Call me Cobra Commander."

"Very well, then. As I was saying, I have a special gift, Cobra Commander. I can change my body and face at will. I can assume the appearance of anyone, regardless of race and gender."

"Can you do voices?"

"Yes."

Destro could swear he heard gears turning in Cobra Commander's head.

"Well, Zartan, how'd you like to go and join me as a henchman?"

"Why would I? I already control a b-"

"You can keep the bikers if you join! Also, we've got a tropical island base-"

"I'll take your offer."

"Welcome to COBRA, Zartan!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you're wondering about Zartan's race and gender, here's my personal headcanon: he identifies as a cisgendered male in his "default" form (the iconic hooded white man we all remember from the '80s cartoon), but since he can alter his skin color and apparent gender…those tend to be more flexible when doing an infiltration or when he wants to mess with someone's head. Basically think of him as being the Hasbro-verse equivalent of _X-Men_'s Mystique and you won't be far off.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 2

THE BAHAMAS:

"Well, that could have gone better." Zartan mumbled as he surveyed the beached sailboat.

"Blame the Commander for crashing us on this sandbar. And be thankful this is a rental." Destro replied.

"_MAYDAY! MAYDAY!_" Cobra Commander shouted as he saw a passing sailboat.

* * *

"Should we-" a woman on the passing sailboat began when she saw Cobra Commander's flailing form in the distance.

"Stormer, we're not going to risk our deposit." came the reply.

* * *

"_WELL FINE! DON'T HELP US, YOU TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PEOPLE!_" Cobra Commander thundered.

"Give it a rest, Commander." Storm Shadow mumbled.

Just then, a speedboat darted near the sandbar.

"Alright, you four! Get in the boat and nobody gets hurt!" its pilot ordered.

"_DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?_"

The pilot drew a revolver at the four.

"Alright, alright! We'll get in the boat!" Cobra Commander announced.

* * *

AN HOUR LATER:

"Well, this is embarrassing. I'm pretty sure that no other terrorist has been held hostage before." Destro snarked.

As if on cue, a man with an eyepatch and scale armor walked before the four captive members of COBRA.

"Avast, me hearties! I am the dread Captain Morgan Teach, Terror of the Antilles and the Eastern Seaboard!"

"Great- a pirate who actually conforms to the stereotype." Storm Shadow snarked.

"Actually, the 'Arr me hearties' gig does have historical precedent. It started as a rural English accent, and Blackbeard came from the region where it was spoken-" Cobra Commander began.

"Shut yer gob, mirrormask!"

"Though to be fair, there was no one 'pirate accent', as pirates and privateers have always been a diverse lot since Classical times-"

"Do ya ever stop talking?"

"He doesn't." Destro replied.

"Also, if you're the Terror of the Antilles and the Eastern Seaboard, why are you still alive?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Er-"

"And for that matter, which Antilles are you the terror of? The Greater Antilles- Cuba, Jamaica, Hispaniola, and Puerto Rico? The Lesser Antilles- the Virgin, Leeward, and Windward Islands, plus Barbados and various small islands north of Venezuela? Or the Netherlands Antilles- Bonaire, Curacao, St. Eustatius, St. Martin, and Saba? You have to be much more specific."

"FOR THE GRACE OF GOD IN HEAVEN, SHUT UP!"

"Is he like this all the time?" Zartan asked.

"Zartan, when you've got a college education, you've got to make use of it!" came the reply.

"If mirrormask don't stop talking, you all get shot!"

"Excuse me, Captain Teach." Cobra Commander piped up.

"What do you want?"

"I was just going to say that if you shoot us, you squander a great opportunity for career advancement-"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, let me put it to you this way. If you join me, you get a proper warship-"

"What kind?"

"Err…hadn't thought of that. But you also get a regular salary in addition to the value of whatever you plunder, minus a ten percent cut of the loot's value for me!"

"You take five percent or no dice!"

"How about we meet each other halfway and agree to 7.5 percent?"

"And you get to join my gang, the Dreadnoks!" Zartan added.

Teach scratched his chin.

"Well, it's better than what I'm getting here. I get the occasional yacht if I'm lucky, so what's the harm?"

"Excellent, Captain! Welcome to COBRA! And now for your codename!" the Commander yelled.

"Codename? But what's wr-"

"I dub thee- Zanzibar!"

Teach was silent.

"Come now, Zanzibar! Let us get to dry land and meet up with our fellow agents of COBRA!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

As for the Misfits' cameo, this is still a while before Eric Raymond discovered them. Also, Cobra Commander's blathering is probably his biggest strength.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 3

COBRA ISLAND:

"Baroness, why is there a blonde in my office?" Cobra Commander asked.

"That's Cadet Deming of Viper OTC."

"That's strange. I don't quite remember her being in the Vipers-"

"That's because she wasn't."

"Then how-"

"Her daddy is Robert Deming, one of the head honchos at Extensive Enterprises."

Cobra Commander drooped.

"Nepotism. Yippie skippy. But maybe she's actually really comp-"

Deming blew a gum bubble, which promptly burst all over her face.

"Grody to the max! Like, I spent all day working on my skin!"

"Baroness, is your gun loaded?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because since I just saw that one of my Viper Officers is a valley girl, I want to go kill myself."

"Sorry, Commander. I haven't got any ammo."

"Joy."

"Hey, boss man? Do you want me to, like, rally the troops or something?"

"No. I'm going to my room to listen to Frank Zappa and Warren Zevon. They always cheer me up."

As he trudged away, Cobra Commander felt his phone ring.

"What is it, Zartan?"

"_We're ready to move against GI Joe. You want to review my men?_"

Cobra Commander perked up.

"You bet I would!"

He turned back around.

"Deming, you're going on a mission!"

"Tubular!"

"Gag me with a spoon." the Commander muttered.

He paused for a moment.

"_NO! SHE'S GOT ME DOING IT! BARONESS- THE VALLEY GIRL DISEASE IS SPREADING! KILL ME!_"

"I cannot, Cobra Commander."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I have no idea about Cadet Deming's characterization in the original cartoon. The whole reason I made her a valley girl who got her position thanks to nepotism was because I found it funny and because I like to think of COBRA's incompetence is partially caused by all sorts of shady practices such as nepotism.

Also, just imagine Cobra Commander speaking like a Valley Girl. Bonus points if you're doing it in Chris Latta's voice. Quick digression: while I do think Charlie Adler is good as Cobra Commander, I prefer the original Chris Latta version. Why? Latta's version was really hammy and hilarious, and that's the version I'm using here.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 4

Cobra Commander surveyed the team going on his next mission.

"Roll call! Buzzer?"

A man with a blonde ponytail stepped forward.

"Here."

"Ripper!"

"Here!"

"Torch!"

"Here!"

"Monkeywrench!"

"Here!"

"Baroness!"

"Present."

"Zartan?"

"I am here."

"Zanzibar?"

"Here!"

"Cadet Deming?"

"Like, here."

Deming blew a gum bubble, which the Baroness popped.

"Ew! Not again!" the former cried.

"Are you ever _not_ chewing gum?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Like, never." came the reply.

Cobra Commander attempted to give the cadet a death glare, but failed since his eyes were obscured by his mask.

"Now, I have had a brilliant idea-" he began.

* * *

DEMING'S MIND:

_Blah blah blah I'm Cobra Commander and I wear, like, a totally unhip mirrored mask and dorky helmet blah blah blah something something oh my god Storm Shadow is such a hunk! He's totally righteous, girlfriend!_

* * *

"-and that, Cadet Deming, is why you will be helping Baroness command Zartan and his Dreadnoks on this most important mission!"

Deming blinked.

"You were paying attention, I hope."

"I was, like, totally paying attention! I'm so in the zone! Puhleez!"

_Every time she opens her mouth, I feel my brain cells committing suicide_. Cobra Commander thought.

"So, uh…what was the mission?" Deming asked.

"We are going to the island of Corsica to release some very dear potential assets from prison!" Zartan hissed.

"Corsica?"

"It's an island in the Mediterranean, you airhead!"

"Is it near Italy? Because I heard you can get, like, outrageous deals in Naples-"

"Cadet, now might be a good time to stop talking." Baroness whispered.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: The Trouble With Dreadnoks, Part 5

CORSICA:

"Tomax, Xamot! You have a visitor!" a guard announced.

The twin prisoners slipped towards the glass plate separating them from their visitor.

"Who are you?" they asked in unison.

"My name is Zartan, and I represent an organization that has an interest in your…talents and connections."

"Your deal?" Tomax asked.

"My deal is that in exchange for your freedom, you work for my employers."

"And if we refuse?" Xomat asked.

"How long do you have left on your sentence?"

The two smugglers looked at each other and shrugged.

"Do we have a deal?"

"Yes." Tomax and Xomat replied in unison.

"Excellent. My…associates will be here to release you tonight."

* * *

"Chief Petty Officer Delgado, I request permission to speak freely."

"Permission granted, sailor."

"With all due respect, sir- why are we in the Mediterranean? I mean, the Yugoslav Wars have been over for 20 years, and the French and the Italians-"

"We're here because the brass told us to be here. I'm as bored as you are, s-"

Another sailor ran towards Delgado.

"Sir, the captain wants you on the bridge!"

* * *

"You called, Captain Ross?" Delgado asked.

"Yes, Hector. I called for you. We've got a situation on our hands right off Corsica. Unidentified hostiles are attacking the Prison de Borgo-"

"How far off are we?"

"Two hours."

* * *

"So this-" Xamot began.

"-is your idea of liberating us?" Tomax finished.

"If you don't like it, I can always turn around." Baroness retorted,

"Pass." the two smugglers replied.

"Oh my god! You never said there would be this much shooting! That and, I, like, broke a nail!" Cadet Deming whined.

"Shut your trap, Cadet."

* * *

"Captain, we have contacts inbound off the starboard bow!"

"Speed?"

"30 knots and closing fast!"

Ross began sweating bullets.

"Hector, you take command. I need to go lie down."

Delgado nodded and took the conn.

"Sir, we have someone on the comm-"

"Put them through."

The radio speaker screeched.

"_Identify yourself._" a voice declared.

"This is the USS _Ranger_, United States Navy battlecruiser. I am Acting Captain Hector Xavier Delgado, Serial Number 924-92-5456. Now you."

"_Some call me Zanzibar, me hearty. I've always wanted to go toe-to-toe with one of Uncle Sam's_ _toy ships-_"

Delgado broke off the comm.

"Incoming contacts?"

"Still incoming."

"Ramming speed."

The _Ranger_ picked up speed and cut through Zanzibar's go-fast boats like a hot blade through butter.

* * *

ZANZIBAR'S SHIP:

"Captain, all contact has been lost with the scouts-" one of the pirates began.

"Then we go against the _Ranger_. Ready the broadsides."

* * *

"Sir, we have another contact."

"What sort?"

"It's- according to CIC, it's as big as us!"

Delgado watched as Zanzibar's ship jockeyed up against the _Ranger_.

* * *

"We are in position, Captain Teach."

Zanzibar smirked.

"Fire the broadsides."

The _Ranger_ shuddered as her hull was ripped open by tungsten-steel cannonballs.

* * *

"Damage control- report!"

"_We're taking water, sir!_"

"Close the bulkheads! We're not going to the bottom without a fight!"

Zanzibar's ship drew closer.

"All hands, prepare to be boarded!"

Grappling lines were thrown from the pirate's vessel and caught the _Ranger_. On the _Ranger_ itself, Marines and sailors alike readied their weapons.

* * *

"Attack." Zanzibar ordered.

Just then, the low baying of a naval horn was heard.

"Im-"

"Captain, it appears to be GI Joe."

Zanzibar reached for his radio.

"Baroness, have y-"

"_Affirmative. We have the smugglers._"

"In that case, tell the Commander that we will meet both your party and his at the rendezvous point. Zanzibar out."

Zanzibar gestured to his subordinates.

"Tell the men that we are retreating from this occasion."

"Acknowledged."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Oktober Guard, Part 1

VANCOUVER, CANADA:

"General Colton?"

"This is he."

"Colonel Anatoly Kiev, Russian Army. I suppose you heard about what happened on Corsica."

"Yes. I did."

"Our nations may be at odds- but we know what COBRA can do."

"That is why I wish for you to communicate the following order to the personnel of GI Joe."

* * *

THE PIT:

"What?" Snake Eyes asked.

"That's what Old "Iron Butt" Colton told us. Said we're having some outfit called the "Oktober Guard" crashing here with us." Roadblock answered.

The intercom buzzed.

"_Attention, GI Joes. Our guests have arrived. Please make them feel welcome and show them to their quarters._" Breaker announced.

"If they touch my CD collection, they're dead." Ace piped up.

"If they touch any of my stuff, they'll wish they were dead." Snake Eyes added.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

In addition to conventional authors' notes, you will be receiving bios for the Oktober Guard. First up: Wong.

* * *

Real Name: Wen-Yun Wong

DOB: February 28, 1987

Age: 28

Nationality: Chinese (born in Hong Kong under British rule)

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 142 pounds

Gender: Androgyne (born female)

Weapons: Shock baton, zip ties, tear gas grenades, lasso

Affiliations: Hong Kong Police Department, Riot Division; Oktober Guard


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Oktober Guard, Part 2

COBRA ISLAND:

"After our liberation-" Tomax began.

"-we believe that you should lie low, Commander." Xomat finished.

"But it's so utterly boring! I need to do _something_ that'll let me threaten t- ooh! The Japanese Self-Defense Force are developing a mech suit! Let's go and steal it!"

Cadet Deming flipped her hair and blew a gum bubble.

"Whatever."

* * *

TSUKUBA, JAPAN:

"_ID, onegaishimasu._" the guard asked.

Zartan, having disguised himself as a fellow guard, smirked from underneath his hood.

"Sorry, but it's in my other pants."

The guard tilted his head.

"English, dumbass. Do you speak it?"

The guard shook his head.

"Well then- does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Before the guard could answer, Zartan pushed the rag against his mouth and nose, knocking him unconscious.

"You sure that he's just knocked out?" Ripper asked.

"It doesn't matter. If he's knocked out, that's fine. If he's dead, even better. As Zanzibar would put it, dead men tell no tales." came the reply.

Ripper nodded and watched as Zartan assumed the guard's form.

"Tell the Baroness she's free to get into the sound booth."

* * *

"And now, the moment you have all been waiting for- we proudly reveal to you the XMI-01 Mechanized Infantry Walker. Or as our friends here like to call it, the Riptide" the English translator announced.

A tarp was raised, and a bipedal walker with a sleek cockpit was unveiled. On its right arm was a rotary cannon, while a claw was in place of its left hand. A set of missile pods were slung behind its shoulders. The walker was roughly the size of a one-story house.

"Now as you may have surmised, the Riptide's designed for combat on solid ground- that'd be permafrost, rock, concrete, pavement= basically she'll be fine if you don't try to take her out for a spin on muddy ground or in a swamp."

"Excellent, sir. But what if somebody tries to jack the thing?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Well, they'd have to- wait, who said that?"

As if on cue, Vipers emerged from the crowd and aimed their guns at the VIPs on the stage.

"What's going on?"

"_This is the Baroness speaking. Hand over the Riptide or you'll all be fit to be used as sieves thanks all the holes that are going to be in your lifeless carcasses._" a woman announced over the intercom.

"Er-"

The auditorium doors flew open, and the Dreadnoks rolled in on their motorbikes.

"_Outta my way- keep outta my way!_" Torch sang, his voice hitting every wrong note as he butchered the piece.

"Hurry, you fools! The cops will be here any second!" Cobra Commander yelled.

"But who's going to drive that thing?" Destro asked, pointing to the Riptide.

Behind his mask, Cobra Commander smirked.

"Allow me, Destro…"

* * *

OUTSIDE THE BUILDING:

"_Watashitachi wa anata ni kakoma rete iru! Heiwa-teki ni kōfuku shi, dare mo kizutsukenai sa remasu!_" a police officer yelled.

The Baroness leaned into the microphone and blew a raspberry.

"_Wareware wa idō suru hitsuyō ga arimasu ka?_" another officer asked.

Before the first officer could answer his cohort's question, the front of the building disintegrated into a mass of rubble as the Riptide walked out an improvised front door.

"_TOO LATE, FOOLS!_" Cobra Commander yelled over the mech's PA system.

On top of the cockpit was Storm Shadow, gleefully flipping the bird to the police as the Riptide walked away.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Next Oktober Guard bio- Daina!

* * *

Real Name: Daina Lenka Janack

DOB: March 15, 1993

Nationality: Czech

Gender: Female

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 120 lbs

Weapons: CZ 700 sniper rifle; Sig Sauer P226 (sidearm)

Affiliations: Army of the Czech Republic; Oktober Guard

Errata: Is currently in relationship with fellow Oktober Guard member Andrea Freisova, aka Dragonsky. Colonel I.N. Brekhov and Captain A.F. Krimov are well aware of this.

Due to Oktober Guard's semi-independent status, attempts by the Russian government to investigate were met by a dignified response from Brekhov- "Mind your own damn business." When charges were brought up against the Oktober Guard, Brekhov's reply when brought before his superiors was "Go *expletive deleted* yourselves."

* * *

ADDENDUM:

Yes, I made Dragonsky a woman. Yes, I made Dania a lesbian. Yes, I made Wong an androgyne. Before anyone starts flooding me with hate mail, I will assure you that Red Star, Colonel Brekhov, Horrorshow, Stormavik, and Schrage will probably not be changed. Why I changed Wong, Dania, and Dragonsky is because…well, diversity is a good thing. That and I like messing with the fans.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Oktober Guard, Part 3

COBRA ISLAND:

"Commander, this isn't going to work. You can't disguise a stolen piece of military hardware by repainting it like a stolen car."

"Why would I want to disguise it? I'm planning to integrate it into our arsenal, and that means painting it in regulation colors!"

Destro groaned as he saw the stolen Riptide looming over the vehicle bay while the Techno-Vipers painted it blue.

"Deming, remember that the COBRA logo is to be painted in scarlet, not fire engine red!" Cobra Commander ordered.

* * *

THE PIT- INFIRMARY:

"I only just finished patching you up from your last scrap with the Oktober Guard!" Doc griped

"Perhaps Wong should rent a sense of humor." Snake Eyes retorted as the Joes' medic bandaged his wounds.

"Listen here, buddy. You may be some kind of badass sniper ninja, but you've got to learn when not to run your mouth. It was kind of funny the first time you played 'Dude Looks Like A Lady' when Wong walked by, along with all those cheap innuendos about Dania and her girlfriend Dragonsky-"

"So what if they weren't really PC?" came the retort.

Doc glared at Snake Eyes.

"Save the attitude for COBRA. And if you try anything else funny with our guests, I'll let Wong beat the crap out of you."

"Maybe if she wants to avoid my remarks, she should dress like a lady." Snake Eyes retorted.

Doc slapped his patient across the head.

"You know you're never going to get out of that hole if you keep digging yourself deeper." he muttered,

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Next bio- Dragonsky!

* * *

Real Name: Andrea Freisova

DOB: August 10, 1989

Nationality: Russian

Gender: Female

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 180 lbs

Weapons: Flamethrower

Affiliations: Russian Army; Oktober Guard


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Oktober Guard, Part 4

"Final checklist! Gatling cannon- armed?" Cobra Commander began.

"Check!" Destro replied.

"Claw arm?"

"Check!"

"Missile pods?"

"Check!"

"PA system?"

"Check!"

"Now, let's make like Godzilla and pay a visit to Tokyo! Happy fun times await!"

* * *

TOKYO, JAPAN- SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

"_OH NO! THERE GOES TOKYO! GO GO COBRA COMMANDER!_" Cobra Commander sang as the Riptide marched through Tokyo, errantly firing its guns and missiles.

"That was terrible, Commander!" Baroness piped up from her vantage point.

"_Everyone's a critic these days. Oh, I know what I can sing!_"

Cobra Commander cleared his throat.

"(_I, I, I, I am) Gonna cut you down to size! (I, I, I, I am) Gonna make you realize! (I, I, I, I am) Like a comet on the rise! No one can stop me, nothing can stop me! I am twenty stories tall! (I, I, I, I am) Strong and defiant- I am a giant!_"

"That was even worse!" Destro added.

"_Hogwash! My angelic voice is just too good for you uncouth yokels!_"

"If that's what angels sound like, I'm quite glad I'm going to Hell!" Destro retorted.

"_I shoot an arrow into the air! Where it lands, I do not care!_" Cobra Commander announced as he shot a missile from the Riptide.

* * *

THE PIT:

"_This is Hector Ramirez, reporting live from Tokyo, where the ruthless terrorists of COBRA are going on a rampage- OH GOD, HERE IT COMES AGAIN! This is Hector Ramirez, signing off! Leg it, you bozos!_"

The assembled members of GI Joe and the Oktober Guard gawked at the images of the carnage that Cobra Commander was inflicting.

"Saddle up, partners. We've got trouble." Duke intoned.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

As for why Cobra Commander wasn't singing "Outta My Way"…well, I don't want that in-joke to get old too quickly. And now for another Oktober Guard bio- Horrorshow!

Real Name: Stepan Drukersky

DOB: September 25, 1975

Nationality: Georgian

Height: 6'4"

Weight: 210 lbs ("none of it slack bellied")

Weapons: RPG-7, MGL, demolition charges, PK machine gun, 2B11 Sani mortar; Smith &amp; Wesson 460XVR Revolver (sidearm)

Errata: Nickname derived from intensive facial scarring after being at the wrong end of an exploding artillery piece; scarring has since been eliminated thanks to intensive reconstructive surgery. Drukersky fervently denies the nickname is from being born on the same day as the initial release of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Oktober Guard, Part 5

"Whoa whoa whoa! LZ's hotter than a blast furnace!" Ace exclaimed as the Tomahawk narrowly dodged a missile.

"Then we drop." Horrorshow replied.

"You're kid-"

The Oktober Guard's heavy weapons expert grabbed a parachute and flung himself out the Tomahawk.

"Fine! See if I care!" Ace griped as the other Joes and Oktober Guard members grabbed parachutes and followed Horrorshow's lead.

* * *

"_Commander, GI Joe is here!_" Destro exclaimed over the radio.

"I'll be right there!" Cobra Commander replied.

The Riptide swiveled around and marched towards the Joes' landing site.

* * *

"Okay, let's review the plan. Scarlett, Dania, and Snake Eyes- you take the rooftops and give us overwatch. Dragonsky, Horrorshow- you're with Flash and Roadblock. Take out that mech and any other COBRA vehicles. Grunt, Schrage, Wong- you go after any civvies. Red Star- you're with me and Stormavik. Any questions?" Duke announced.

Silence.

"In that case- YO JOE!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Two for one special: Red Star and Schrage!

* * *

Schrage:

Real Name: Johann Bergmann

DOB: November 1, 1990

Weapons: Heckler &amp; Koch G36 with flick bayonet, Uzi; Luger P08 (sidearm)

Gender: Male

Nationality: German

Affiliations: Bundeswehr (Division Schnelle Kräfte- Paratrooper Battalion 261); Oktober Guard

Errata: Served in same unit as one Rory Llwellyn.

* * *

Red Star:

Real Name: Anatoly Krimov

DOB: November 21, 1991

Weapons: AK-47M carbine; Jericho 941 (sidearm)

Gender: Male

Nationality: Russian

Affiliations: Russian Navy; Oktober Guard


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Oktober Guard, Part 6

"Any ideas, Horrorshow?" Flash asked.

"Yes. Avoid that thing's feet."

"Ha ha. Very funny. I mean, any ideas on how to- what the-"

Roadblock shoved his cohorts down as a chunk of building flew over their heads.

"Son of a- that guy's a lunatic!" Dragonsky sputtered.

"_Why, thank you!_" Cobra Commander replied.

"Anyways, maybe we should try shooting-"

The Riptide lurched forward and drooped.

"_What th- LOW BATTERY?! OF COURSE THE JAPANESE HAD TO MAKE THEIR GIANT COMBAT MECH SUIT ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY!_"

Roadblock stifled a laugh at the scene.

"_Well, I may be out of luck with my mech suit, but I still have my HISS tanks!_"

As if on cue, a quartet of large tracked vehicles approached the four.

"_Have fun, fools! Now- DESTRO! GET ME OUT OF HERE!_"

* * *

"Hey, Dania! Vipers on your twelve!" Scarlett exclaimed.

The Czech sniper pulled the trigger, and a Viper standing on the roof of a nearby office building fell over dead.

"So, you want to get a bite to eat after this?" she asked as she worked the bolt action on her rifle.

"I thought you had a girlfriend-"

"Just consider it a bit of hospitality on my part. Also, I'm not going to indulge whatever fantasies you're indulging."

"H-"

"You've been ogling me since I arrived. A lady can always tell."

Snake Eyes snorted contemptuously.

"Everyone knows Scarlett's batting for both teams, if you catch my drift."

"Snake Eyes, shut up."

* * *

"How many?" Grunt asked as he and his team surveyed a nearby office building's lobby from a fifth story vantage point.

"Six, maybe seven hostiles. Ten hostages." Schrage answered.

Wong nodded.

"I've dealt with worse back in Hong Kong. We can handle this."

Grunt and Schrage watched as Wong produced a grappling hook launcher from her utility belt, fired it, and watched as the hook embedded itself in the building wall.

"Let's ride." she mouthed.

Grunt and Schrage watched in awe as their teammate rappelled down the side of the building, a devil-may-care smile on her face.

"I'll take the-" Grunt began.

Schrage took a running leap and flung himself downward before opening his parachute.

"-stairs."

Grunt turned his gaze towards a nearby stairwell and began his descent.

* * *

"Any ideas?" Dragonsky asked as she ducked back behind the chunk of building to avoid being shot full of holes by a HISS's turret.

"Try getting them with that oversized blowtorch of yours!" Flash retorted.

Dragonsky popped out of cover and pulled the trigger on her flamethrower. Instantaneously, a stream of hot burning liquid roared from it and hit one of the the tanks, setting it on fire and causing it to explode.

"Y-"

Flash popped out of cover and fired his laser rifle. Another HISS exploded as its munitions and fuel reached ignition temperature simultaneously.

"So, who wants to make a wisecrack about me carrying around a useless damn laser pointer now?" he hissed.

Silence.

"Thought so. Now, Roadblock, I know you're not as a-"

The crew of another HISS was promptly slaughtered by the massive amount of bullets that hit their vehicle.

"You were saying?"

"_STAND AND FIGHT, YOU FOOLS! AND HURRY UP, DESTRO!_" Cobra Commander bellowed.

* * *

"Well, where's the-" Wong began as she and Schrage looked about their landing site.

Grunt broke through the stairway door.

"Well, got my cardio in." he teased.

"Just hurry up. We've got hostages to rescue."

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me." Duke muttered as he and his two cohorts surveyed the scene.

Surrounding the trio in the boulevard were at least six Arashikage ninjas, all wielding high-powered rifles. Leading them was Storm Shadow

"Crap." Stormavik muttered.

"Well, it's been good knowing you all." Red Star muttered.

As if on cue, three of the ninjas dropped dead.

"The angels in h-"

"We don't need angels. We have snipers up on high." Duke replied.

Stormavik gave a knowing wink to Duke as he slapped a fresh magazine into his pistol.

"Let's rock." he whispered.

* * *

"I have him in my sights." Snake Eyes growled as he tracked Storm Shadow.

"He's just standing there! Focus on the other ninjas!" Scarlett replied.

"No. It ends today. One pull of this trigger, and his head explodes like an overripe melon."

Storm Shadow looked up and saw the gleam of the sniper scope.

_Sucker._

He dropped a smoke bomb and disappeared, his other surviving ninjas doing the same.

* * *

"GI Joe! Drop your weapons!" Grunt exclaimed as he, Schrage, and Wong broke into the room containing the hostages.

"Oh, you think I'm going to release them just because you asked?" the Baroness asked.

"Well…yes?"

Baroness smirked as she waltzed over and kicked Grunt in the crotch.

"Son of a- anyone know how to speak Japanese?"

"I do." Storage answered.

"Good. Then tell the hostages to cover their faces. The two of you, put on gas masks."

Wong unholstered a tear gas grenade and threw it into the mass of hostages and Vipers.

"_OH SWEET JESUS MY EYES ARE ON FIRE!"_ a Viper exclaimed.

"_Mein Gott- ich kann nichts sehen!_" Baroness added.

Wong leapt into the fray brandishing her stun baton.

"Stop that dude!" a Viper ordered.

"I'm a lady, _gweilo_."

The Viper in question charged at Wong before being bludgeoned with the baton as its wielder gracefully swung it. Meanwhile, the Baroness blindly stumbled about before grabbing a glass coffee pot.

"Come and-"

Wong reached into her utility belt and pulled out a litupa before smacking the Baroness's hand with the whip.

"Son of a-"

The Baroness found herself face down on the floor while Wong prepared a zip tie.

"Submit."

"Shan't. I'm a dominant."

"Too much information!" Grunt piped up.

Just then, the Baroness's radio went off.

"_BARONESS- WE ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE! GET TO THE TRANSPORT ASAP!_"

"Affirmative, Commander."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Last Oktober Guard bio- Colonel Brekhov!

* * *

Real Name: Ivan Nikolevich Brekhov

DOB: September 22, 1964

Weapons: AK-47; Makarov PMM (Sidearm)

Gender: Male

Affiliations: Soviet (later Ukrainian) Army; Oktober Guard

* * *

ADDENDUM:

A litupa (also known as a sjambok) is a heavy leather whip commonly used in South Africa. It is often used as a riot control weapon by police there.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Cold Slither, Part 1

"Why's the Commander locked himself in his room?"

Baroness sighed.

"Mindbender, I keep forgetting that you've just transferred out of R&amp;D. It's probably something to do with-"

"_I'M SUCH A FAILURE! I CAN'T EVEN RAMPAGE THROUGH A MAJOR CITY ANYMORE WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH GI JOE!_" Cobra Commander bawled.

"He's having one his days."

"_If only there were some way I could get things done sneaky style- Deming, that's my radio! If you_-_ what's this I hear?_"

An upbeat rock melody echoed out from Cobra Commander's room.

"_GLAMOUR AND GLITTER- FASHION AND FAME! JEM IS TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! TRULY TRULY TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! THE MUSIC'S CONTAGIOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! JEM IS MY NAME- NO ONE ELSE IS THE SAME!_" a familiar shrill voice belted out in unison with the rock melody.

The Baroness unholstered her pistol and put it to her head.

"Not before I do!"

Mindbender reached for the gun and tried to pry it out of the Baroness's grip.

* * *

COBRA COMMAND REC ROOM:

"_Jem i-_"

Destro turned off the radio.

"What was that for?!" Buzzer demanded.

"Yeah- she really is truly outrageous!" Ripper added.

"That drivel will rot what little brain tissue you have left! They don't call it bubblegum pop for nothing! It does to your mind what bubblegum does to your teeth!"

"Burn baby burn! Disco inferno!" Torch piped up.

"Never mind then. It appears you have little brain tissue to begin with."

Just then, the intercom buzzed.

"_DESTRO! DREADNOKS! CONFERENCE ROOM- CHOP CHOP!_"

* * *

"_WHAT?!_" Destro bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"That's right. We're going to start our own little band! I mean, if the Holograms can come out of nowhere and land a record deal-"

"Commander, this is by far the dumbest plan you have come up with yet! And considering that you decided the best thing to do with prototype military hardware was to use it to smash up Tokyo, that's really saying something!"

"Ignoring Destro, I feel that going into the music business would be a very beneficial move. Also, we're going to put subliminal messages into the music so that people will obey us!"

"Good luck! You're not just going to get a demo tape in-"

"I have a friend in Los Angeles who can help."

* * *

"Starlight Records, Eric Raymond speaking. Oh, it's _you_."

"_Eric, old mate! It's been too long!_"

"I was hoping you were dead, Cobra Commander. What do you want now?"

"_A favor. I want to use one of your recording studios-_"

"Not happening. I'm not getting egg on my face thanks to your harebrained schemes-"

"_Just chalk us in as freelancers._"

Eric groaned.

"Fine. Tell me what you need…"

* * *

"Commander! A music video is not-"

"Destro, I need to see lyrics posthaste! Also, need a good name for the band. The Cobras is a bit too obvious, the Misfits is already- no, we could spell it with as 'Mysfits' with a 'Y'-"

"How about you slither on out of here, you cold-blooded cretin?"

"Cold-blooded- that's a start! I've got it now! We shall call our band Cold Slither! Now get to writing!"

Destro groaned as he resumed work.

* * *

"We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon? A band of vipers playing our tune?" Baroness read.

"This is worse than Bludd's poetry!" Storm Shadow piped up.

"At least Bludd's _trying._" Tomax and Xamot added.

"I think it's pretty good!" Cobra Commander announced.

An awkward silence settled over the room.

"Well, that settles the quality issue. It's been damned by the Commander's praise." Baroness snarked.

"Who would demean themselves- oh right. The Dreadnoks."

* * *

LOS ANGELES:

"Wanted- director for music video. Apply at Extensive Enterprises. Must have no prior professional experience. Pay is $100,000 upon completion of filming, non-negotiable."

Vivien Montgomery looked up from the classified section of the paper.

"Hey, Ash! You think I should take this gig?"

"_Go ahead, Viv. You know you're groovy._" a man's voice replied.

_YES! My first big break since film school!_

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Just imagine Chris Latta's Cobra Commander singing the Jem theme. I'll wait. Also, this is Video's first gig and the "one shot" she mentioned in Chapter 13 of "Musical Illusionists".


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: Cold Slither, Part 2

THREE DAYS LATER:

"Places!" Vivien yelled.

In a nearby chair, Cobra Commander sat with his feet propped against an amplifier and holding a daiquiri.

"Sir, we're going into overtime, and union rules st-" a besuited man began.

"_THE ONLY UNION THEY SHOULD BE CONCERNED WITH IS THE ONE BETWEEN THEIR HEADS AND THEIR SHOULDERS!_"

The besuited man nodded.

"Roll 'em!" Vivien ordered.

The first notes of the song began, and pink mist covered the set.

* * *

"_We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers- playing our tune!_" Zartan sang, his head adorned by an orange hair metal wig. The other Dreadnoks sang along with their leader.

"_With an iron fist and a reptile's hiss- we shall rule!_" Ripper continued.

As the song continued, Zartan slammed his guitar into some sound equipment, smashing the instrument to bits.

"What is that idiot doing?" Vivien asked.

"_We're tired of words! We've heard it before! We're not gonna play the game no more!_" the Dreadnoks sang on.

Buzzer produced his miniature chainsaw and cut his drum set neatly in half.

"They are _ANIMALS!_" Vivien screamed.

"_Don't tell us what's right! Don't tell us what's wrong! Too late to resist- 'cause COBRA is strong!_" the Dreadnoks continued, with Ripper demolishing his keyboard with his bayonet.

"Oh my goodness! We're going way over budget!" the besuited man wailed.

"_We're Cold Slither- heavy metal machine! Through the eyes of the serpent- in you will dream!_" the song continued, Torch firing off his flamethrower as he sang.

"CUT! CUT! Somebody do someth-" Vivien began.

Cobra Commander walked over and ejected the director from her chair.

"You fool! This is exactly what I want! Keep the film rolling!"

"_When the venom stings- a new order brings our control!_"


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: Cold Slither, Part 3

THE PIT:

"_We're tired of words- we've heard it before! We're not gonna play the game no more!_" Ace sang as he idled up to Cover Girl.

"Ace, back off. I'm not in the mood right n-"

"_Too late to resist- 'cause COBRA is strong!_"

An awkward silence settled over the mess hall.

"Ooooh…kay. I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Grunt piped up.

"What'd you say the band's name is again?" Shipwreck asked.

"Cold Slither. Come on, they're really good-"

"Yeah, and they're apparently in cahoots with COBRA." Roadblock retorted.

"Ten bucks says they're _part_ of COBRA." Snake Eyes added.

Ace groaned.

"Is it tinfoil hat time around here? I mean, a rock band connected to COBRA- that's just absurd!"

"They've used a weather controlling machine and mech suits before. A rock band would be relatively tame." Duke retorted.

"Yeah right. Next thing you'll be telling me is that whatever's in the Big Sur monolith's alive and kicking. Or that Jem's not a real person." Ace snapped.

And with that, Ace left the mess hall.

* * *

"Hey, Ace! How's it-"

Ace shoved Wild Bill out of his way as he entered the Pit's hangar.

"Ace? What's eating you?"

Ace was silent as he walked towards a waiting Dragonfly. Only the sound of "Cold Slither" could be heard as he approached the helicopter.

"Ace? What're you-"

Ace picked up a wrench and slammed it into the Dragonfly.

"ACE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Wild Bill exclaimed.

Ace swung the wrench again.

"What's gotten into you?"

"Back off or I'll bash your brains in!"

"Ace, stand down! I don't want to hurt you!"

"Well, I want to h-"

Wild Bill drew a taser and fired, sending Ace sprawling to the floor.

"What the hell just happened?"

Ace was muttering "Cold Slither" as he lay out on the floor of the hangar.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Cold Slither, Part 4

"I'll be damned." Doc muttered as he looked over Breaker's findings.

"What?" Snake Eyes asked.

"You ever hear those urban legends about subliminal messages in rock music?"

Snake Eyes snorted contemptuously.

"Maybe Ace was right. Maybe it is tinfoil hat time around here."

"Stop running your mouth, kiddo. You might learn something."

"Continue." Breaker mouthed.

"Anyways, here's a rough transcript of what was piggybacking on that song."

Doc cleared his throat.

"COBRA is your friend. Serve COBRA. Obey COBRA. COBRA has a good dental plan-"

"Well, that explains why COBRA has such a a large army. Or why anyone would want to stay on with them." Duke piped up.

"COBRA facilities have free donuts in the employee lounge every Monday-" Doc continued.

"Snake Eyes, if it you makes you smile for more than five seconds- don't say it!" Scarlett announced.

Snake Eyes was silent as he drew a handlebar mustache on the still unconscious Ace with a marker.

"What?"

Doc groaned.

"What have you been doing this whole time?"

"Ninja things. Like taking ten bucks from Ace's wallet."

"So, Cold Slither _is_ one of COBRA's latest plans." Duke mused.

"Yep. And they're doing a concert in a couple days-" Breaker began.

"Well, I have an idea and it just might work…"

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"So, what is this thing again?" Scarlett asked as she examined a large and bulky object that vaguely resembled a woman's purse.

"It's a distortion modulator. Turn it on and electronic audio signals become unintelligible." Breaker answered.

"Why's it-"

"Look, we were rushing for time, m'kay? All we need is to get into the Cold Slither concert and scramble their performance-"

"Got it. I'll take Cover Girl and Lady Jaye with me." Scarlett announced.

"Good luck." Snake Eyes mumbled.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Cold Slither, Part 5

LOS ANGELES- A FEW DAYS LATER:

"So, who's on tonight besides Cold Slither?" Scarlett asked as she finished applying her lipstick.

"The Holograms." Cover Girl answered.

"I feel sorry for them. If Cold Slither and those Dreadnoks are the same people, then they may not be coming out of rock alive." Lady Jaye added.

* * *

"Boss, look at this playbill! Looks like those new glam rockers-" Ripper began.

Zartan took the program and ripped it to shreds.

"Get the Holograms out of the running! We're not going to be upstaged by them!"

"B-"

Zartan smirked.

"We'll disguise ourselves as the Holograms during the intermission."

* * *

There was a knock on the team's door.

"Come in." Scarlett announced.

The door opened, and a blonde woman was standing there.

"Who-"

"Lindsey Pierce. I run VTV and Lin-Z TV-"

"You're that music reporter, aren't you?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Yeah, that's me. I was going to do a story on Cold Slither, but there's something fishy about it."

"What?" Cover Girl asked.

"Well, there's no info on those guys. As in, I went through my usual contacts in all the major labels. Of those, only two came up with anything-"

"Which two?"

"Extensive Enterprises and Starlight Records. I tried reaching out to them, and my contacts said that while the companies _had_ the info, they were keeping it under lock and key. As in, 'safes with pyrotechnic charges in them and anti-intrusion software that'll fry your brain' levels of lock and key."

"If you're looking for a big scoop, here's one for free. Cold Slither's in cahoots with COBRA. Now go back to being a VJ and let us professionals handle the grown-up stuff." Lady Jaye retorted.

Lindsey snorted.

"This story is made for me! Music, intrigue, current events- you've got to let me in!"

Scarlett bit her lip.

"Can you shoot a gun?"

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"So, you sure your friends can-"

"Pierce, we're GI Joe. We're good at our jobs."

* * *

"So, who's this?" Buzzer asked.

"This is Zarana- my sister. She lives here in Los Angeles, and was available tonight. Show them what you can do, sis."

Zarana shifted into the spitting image of Jem.

"That pink-haired bitch won't know what hit her. Now, you boys run on stage. I'll show up during the intermission."

* * *

"_And now, the hottest new act in music- Cold Slither!_" the announcer began.

The song began.

"_We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers- playing our tune!_" Zartan sang.

_Jaye- hurry up and get to the sound booth_. Scarlett thought.

"_With an iron fist and a reptile's hiss- we shall rule! We're tired of words! We've heard it before! We're not gonna play the game no more! Don't tell us what's right! Don't tell us what's wrong! Too late to resist- 'cause C-_"

The song suddenly stopped as white noise filled the air.

"What's going on?!" the audience collectively asked.

"Just…technical difficulties! Yeah, that's it! Technical difficulties!" Ripper lied.

"_Attention, audience! You're being played for fools! These musicians- they're working for COBRA! Now, repeat after me- Cobra Commander is a clown!_"

"COBRA COMMANDER IS A CLOWN!"

"Zarana, hurry it up! Time to-" Zartan whispered.

As if on cue, "Jem" ran onto the stage.

"Sorry I'm late. I just had to navigate this mess. Now, from the top."

The song began again.

"_We're Cold Slither- you'll be joining us soon! A band of-_"

Just then, Cover Girl and the real Jem walked onto the stage.

"Someone care to explain what's going on?" the latter asked.

A mass silence settled over the crowd, only to be interrupted by the sound of a shotgun being cocked.

"Alright, Cold Slither! The jig is up! Time for you…" Scarlett began.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of mirrorshades.

"…to face the music."

Scarlett fired the shotgun and demolished the drum set.

"Fight back, Dreadnoks! This I command!" Zartan bellowed.

Buzzer, Ripper, and Torch bolted.

"Z-"

Zarana followed the others.

"Well, damn it."

* * *

TEN MINUTES LATER:

"So, sorry for-"

"WE WANT A CONCERT!" the audience bellowed.

"Ooh…kay. Well, where's your usual entourage?" Scarlett asked.

"Backstage." Jem sheepishly answered.

"Well, I guess we'll have to fill in." Lady Jaye muttered.

* * *

"_And now- Jem! With special guest stars- the Average Joe Band!_"

A pink mist cleared from the stage, revealing Jem clutching a microphone. Behind her were Scarlett on keyboard, Cover Girl on drums, and Lady Jaye on guitar.

"_The girl you saw before- that's not the real me! The girl who made you sore- that's not the real me!_"

* * *

COBRA ISLAND:

"It's not funny, Commander!" Zartan exclaimed.

"Yes it is! You were beaten by Jem- and she didn't even have the Holograms! Classic! And we made a ton of cash before your careers went belly up!"

Destro threw a toothpick.

"Maybe we should try my people!"

"Wh-"

"Have you forgotten that I run my own arms company?"

"You m-"

"YES! The Iron Grenadiers!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

If you're wondering why Jem and company never remembered Cold Slither when they got tricked into doing that private battle of the bands for Cobra Commander, it's because this is pretty early in their career and Cold Slither got consigned to the memory hole after the Inhumanoids and Transformers started showing up.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: Cold Slither Epilogue

A FEW DAYS LATER:

"Well, that was a waste of my time. First shot I get in this town, and it's got me blacklisted." Vivien griped as she returned to her apartment.

There was a letter waiting for her on a nearby table.

_Dear Miss Montgomery:_

_Being the savvy woman that I am, I have heard about your ill-fortuned first directing job. I can arrange it so that you may once again work in this town. I hereby invite you to a brief cruise out of Santa Catalina. The yacht leaves at 8:00 PM tomorrow night. Dress runs from business-casual to formal._

_Cordially:_

_Countess Danielle du Voisin_

* * *

"Anthony, I'm telling you that there's something fishy about that Cold Slither story!"

A well-dressed black man grinned as he and Lindsey Pierce sat in a nearby coffee shop.

"Lindsey, what's there to say? Starlight Records got involved with the wr-"

"Mr. Julian, I'm talking about what happened _after_. Both Extensive Enterprises and Starlight Records were a bit too fast in disavowing any connections to COBRA. It's almost as if they had something to hide."

"You think-"

"I've got a feeling in my gut that there's something they're not telling us. And it's not just irritation that I've got no proof either way that either company was in cahoots with COBRA."

"Y-"

"The truth is out there, Anthony. And one day, it's going to come spilling out into the open."

* * *

"So, we weren't important enough to play last night?" Aja asked.

Jessica groaned.

"I'm sorry I went and performed without you three. But look at it my way. Would you want to tell several thousand people that they're not getting a show even though they paid for it?"

Silence settled over the room.

"When you put it that way, I guess it's understandable." Shana whispered.

"Jess, you better look at it my way. We're just a new blip on the industry's radar. You performing with someone new this early on looks a lot like you're trying to ditch us!" Aja retorted.

"Hey hey hey! The good news is that we're not going to have to deal with Cold Slither again any time soon." Kimber piped up.

Aja sighed.

"Fine. I'll let this one slide, Jess. Just don't leave us hanging again."

"I'll make sure I don't."

* * *

"Weather machines, mech suits, and now rock 'n' roll. Well, you can't fault COBRA for being unimaginative." Duke mused.

"Makes you wonder what they aren't telling us about." Scarlett added.

"Knowing them, it could be anything from a moonbase to a zombie virus to the dread god Nyarlathotep." Snake Eyes grumbled.

"All of those are a bit of a stretch…" Spirit replied, a mug of coffee in his hand.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This was originally going to be the start of the next arc, but I decided I needed to tie up the loose ends involving Video, Lindsey Pierce, and the Holograms. Also, if anyone wants me to do another "Jem" spinoff starring Lindsey "Lin-Z" Pierce, I'll probably do something like "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" for her.

In case you don't know what "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" is, it's the granddaddy of "The X-Files". If you're interested, the whole series (all 20 episodes of it) are streaming on Netflix. Basically, think "The X-Files, but with a freelance reporter".


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25: Heavy Metal War, Part 1

COBRA ISLAND:

Cobra Commander shuddered as he saw the six members of the Iron Grenadiers' Alpha Squad approach him.

"Destro, did you have to dress them like German soldiers from World War I?" he asked.

"Commander, it makes them much more intimidating!"

"You don't say! I'm about to wet myself just looking at them!"

Destro cleared his throat.

"Now, your mission is simple. Lure out the GI Joe operatives called Duke, Scarlett, Roadblock, and Snake Eyes and bring them to our base in Yorkshire. Feel free to use any means necessary."

"Yes, sir!" their leader replied.

Cobra Commander shuddered again.

"Tell me they're normal."

"Some of them aren't, Commander."

Cobra Commander gulped.

"Wh-"

"I know a man in Germany who goes by the name of Herman Metzger."

"What's he do?"

"Cybersurgery, chemical therapy, drug augmentations-"

Cobra Commander screamed at the thought.

"Destro, you fool! Is that steel mask of yours cutting off the flow of blood to your brain? How could you trust a man with that name?! I mean, a name like Herman Metzger just screams 'I'm going to kick small defenseless puppies, steal candy from babies, and just for an encore, take an old lady's purse!' Seriously, that is one of the most evil names I've heard of!"

"He was good at his job, Commander. And he gave me his notes."

"I bet he worships Nyarlathotep or some other eldritch horror! Destro, you really should know better than to trust a guy with an evil-sounding name!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This version of the Iron Grenadiers, aside from being Destro's private army, are also where some of the weirder stuff of my Hasbro-verse comes into play. Basically, they're the guys who use more advanced technology like the BATs and BAATS (basically the granddaddies of the _Star Wars_ battle droids), along with more sci-fi weaponry and even psionic and arcane powers. As such, expect a lot of OCs in this group. I will provide notices for OCs in their character bios.

And now for the first OC- Sawbones!

* * *

Real Name: Karl Morrison

DOB: November 30, 1975

Height: 6'5"

Weight: 210 lbs

Nationality: Scottish

Gender: Male

MOS: Medic; Commanding officer of Iron Grenadiers Alpha Squad

Weapons: Heckler and Koch G11 (modified with electric ignition and bayonet); M.A.R.S Industries "Hellfire" Laser Pistol (sidearm).

Affiliations: Iron Grenadiers/M.A.R.S Industries; COBRA (esp. Destro)

Psionic/arcane abilities: None.

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: None.

* * *

ADDENDUM:

Cobra Commander is a surprisingly good judge of character, isn't he?


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26: Iron Grenadiers, Part 2

ILKLEY MOOR- WEST YORKSHIRE:

"You sure this is where Cobra Commander said he was hiding?" Duke asked.

"Affirmative." Ace answered from the Tomahawk cockpit.

"Why is it that I smell a rat?" Snake Eyes mumbled.

"Probably just yourself. When was the last time you showered?" Roadblock retorted.

"Ha ha. Very funny."

"Seriously, I think this is a trap." Flint piped up.

"Maybe it is. Then again, if it isn't, Cobra Commander's a sitting duck."

The Tomahawk landed on the moor, and Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, Flint, and Roadblock exited into the foggy night.

"They're here. Just like Destro said they would be." a man muttered as he peered through binoculars.

The man turned to face his five cohorts.

* * *

"Is everyone ready?"

"Yes, Sawbones!"

"In that case- Grenadiers, move out."

The six Iron Grenadiers slithered through the heather and the tall grass to attack the incoming Joes.

* * *

"Oooh! I am the ghost of-" Snake Eyes began.

"Knock it off! You'll give away our position!" Flint hissed under his breath.

"Besides, I thought ninjas were supposed to be stealthy." Scarlett added, her Dixie accent slipping through.

"And I thought snipers weren't supposed to be callipygian." Snake Eyes retorted.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Scarlett, he's saying you have a big rear." Roadblock tactfully explained.

Scarlett's face turned as red as her hair.

"You son of a-"

"Quiet! We don't want to let Cobra Commander know we're here!" Duke whispered.

"But Snake Eyes said-"

"I don't care what Snake Eyes said! Now get into sniping position!"

Scarlett groaned as she assumed the prone stance.

"Also, they're not supposed to be buxom." Snake Eyes sniped.

"Snake Eyes, shut your mouth." Duke growled.

"What? Can a man not make obs-"

"You keep this up, I'll write you up for sexual harassment. Even if you and Scarlett are an item, there's a time and place for those remarks, and this is neither the time nor the place, you jackass!"

"Guys, I see movement-" Scarlett piped up.

"Could be you swaying in the breeze. Oh wait, no it can't be- you've got ballast!"

Duke and Scarlett shot Snake Eyes a dirty look.

"Fine. I'll shut up now."

"Um, guys? I'm with Scarlett. I can see something coming through the underbrush." Flint commented.

"I've got something on the tracker. Six contacts incoming. Current distance is about 15 meters and closing. Speed is 1 meter per second."

"Snake Eyes, can you-"

"I could if there weren't so much fog!"

"10 meters."

"Why do I-"

"Five meters!"

"That's practically spitting-"

"SURPRISE, SCUNNERS!" a low voice yelled out.

The Joes looked up to see six individuals wearing greatcoats and gas masks looming over them.

"You COBRA?" Roadblock asked.

"No. We're the Iron Grenadiers. It's just that our leader Destro works for COBRA."

"Well, we're armed-"

The Grenadiers' leader drew his sidearm and fired, setting some nearby vegetation alight.

"What the-"

"I've got a laser beam! GRENADIERS- ATTACK!"

In the fog, Scarlett and Snake Eyes were quickly overtaken by two of the Grenadiers.

"What's going o-"

Flint fell to the ground courtesy of a well-thrown rock.

"Roadblock, o-"

Another rock hit the heavy gunner.

"Well well well. Six against one. Anything to say?"

"Who are-"

Duke was promptly knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Next up is an actual canon character- Metal-Head!

* * *

Real Name: Stuart A Finley

DOB: December 4, 1990

Gender: Male

MOS: Anti-tank/anti-armor operations

Nationality: American

Affiliation: Iron Grenadiers

Arcane/psionic powers: None

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: Datajack in back of head (serves as brain/computer interface and allows for him to operate his weapons by thought or through vocal commands)

Errata: Nickname derived from love of heavy metal music


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27: Iron Grenadiers, Part 3

THE PIT- SOME TIME LATER:

"Sir, we've lost contact with Duke and his team." Breaker piped up.

"Bull. I saw them hit the ground." Ace replied.

"Any last transmissions?" Lady Jaye asked.

"One from Duke. Said something about 'Iron Grenadiers'."

"You think COBRA-"

"Jaye, I'm certain it's COBRA."

* * *

"Well, we've captured the Joes, Cobra Commander. Now for your end of the bargain." Sawbones muttered.

"_Do you accept IOUs?_"

"We accept cash, checks, bearer bonds, stock options, precious metals, and gemstones- preferably diamonds."

"_How much?_"

"Standard rate for a capture operation is $250,000."

"_That's re-_"

"Per person."

"_WHAT?! I don't have 1 and a quarter million dollars lying around in my savings account?! It's all tied up in my other operations! I ask again- can you accept an IOU?_"

"Fine. But we'll be waiting for repayment."

* * *

"So, this is our rescue team." Hawk muttered as he surveyed the Joes standing before him.

Grunt, Tunnel Rat, Grand Slam, Breaker, Ace, Spirit, and Gung Ho were all standing in formation.

"Well, it's the best we've got." Lady Jaye commented.

"Yo Joe!" Grunt exclaimed.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Another OC- Ashe!

* * *

Real Name: Josef Ashe

DOB: December 4, 1991

Gender: Male

Height: 6'

Weight: 165 lbs

Nationality: German

MOS: Demolitions/incendiaries

Weapons: Combat shotgun; tactical tomahawk

Arcane/psionic powers: Maybe

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: None

Affiliations: Iron Grenadiers

Errata: Is the half-brother of Phoebe Ashe aka "Rapture". He also claims to hear voices, including a being he dubs "the chaos dragon"- a being which encourages him to start petty squabbles among his cohorts for no good reason.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Iron Grenadiers, Part 4

"My aching head…" Duke groaned as he awakened in a small room.

He scanned his surroundings.

"Where am I?"

"Castle Destro. In Scotland." a woman answered.

Duke turned his head and saw a young woman in a catsuit.

"Who are-"

"My name's Carrie. But you can call me Psi-Spy."

"You with the-"

"Yes. I'm a proud member of the Iron Grena-"

"Hauser, Conrad Samuel. First Sergeant. RA 213-75-7793. Hauser, Con-"

"What the hell are you jabbering about?"

"Geneva Conventions. A prisoner of war is only required to give his name, rank, and serial number-"

"Oh, I see. You think that we follow those rules. We have…ways of making you talk, you know."

"Bite me."

Psi-Spy walked over to Duke and grabbed his head.

"What the- OH SWEET JESUS GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_"_

Duke flailed as Psi-Spy tunneled around in his mind.

"Talk."

"Hauser, Conrad Samuel! First Sergeant! RA 213-75-7793! Hauser, Conrad S-"

"Tell me the location of the GI Joe base."

"Hauser, Conrad S-"

"Tell. Me. The. Location. Of. The. GI Joe. Base." Psi-Spy hissed.

"And if I don't?"

Duke screamed as Psi-Spy lit the pain center of his brain up like a Christmas tree.

"Where is the base?"

"Hauser! First Sergeant! RA 213-75-7793!"

"Maybe one of your friends will tell me what I need to know!"

"As if!"

* * *

"Alright, we've got one shot at this. Judging from our intelligence reports, this is where Duke and the others are being kept. Our job is to break in, break them out, and then get out of here. Any questions?" Spirit announced.

Silence filled the interior of the Tomahawk as it approached Castle Destro.

"Ace, take us in. Grand Slam- break out your jetpack."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Next OC- Psi-Spy!

* * *

Real Name: Carrie Yeager

DOB: September 16, 1999

Gender: Female

Nationality: American

Weapons: M.A.R.S Industries "Hellfire" Laser Pistol

Psionic/arcane powers: Psionic (mind-reading, fire-starting, and psychokinesis- possibly more)

Cybernetic/Biological Augmentations: None.

Affiliations: Iron Grenadiers


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Iron Grenadiers, Part 5

"_Eins, zwei, Polizei…_" Psi-Spy softly sang, her voice conveying an eerie tone.

The hairs on the back of every Joe's neck rose up, and Scarlett shuddered.

"_Drei, vier, Offizier…_"

Flint and Roadblock both suppressed a whimper.

"_Fünf, sechs, alte Hex…_"

"What do you want?" Snake Eyes whimpered.

"Information."

"Scarlett's a C-cup-" came the sniper ninja's reply, his usual steely defiance returning.

"How about another tune?"

Psi-Spy cleared her throat.

"_I've got no strings to hold me down." _she began.

Snake Eyes and Scarlett felt their bodies leave their restraints as Psi-Spy used her psychokinetic powers to drag them into the air.

"_To make me fret, or make me frown."_

The other Joes looked on in horror at the scene.

"_I had strings, but now I'm free."_

"Sweet mother of Jesus! That's not right!" Roadblock whimpered.

Duke and Flint were silent as they watched.

"_There are no strings on me._"

Psi-Spy slammed the two Joes together like ragdolls before dropping them to the floor.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

"Ein Zwei Polizei" is a German counting rhyme. And as for why Psi-Spy sang "I Have No Strings", it's not just a reference to its use in the _Age of Ultron_ trailer, even though they're being used in much the same way.

And now for another Iron Grenadiers OC bio- Goshawk and Eisenschwinge!

* * *

Goshawk:

Real Name: Lydia Falconer

DOB: October 1, 1992

Gender: Female

Nationality: Welsh

Weapons: L115A3 sniper rifle; M.A.R.S Industries "Red Glare" Gyrojet Pistol (sidearm)

MOS: Animal handler (birds of prey); sniper; drone operator

Arcane/psionic Powers: None.

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: Cybernetic eyes, datajack (allows her to assume direct control of her drones and her augmented pet falcon Eisenschwinge)

Affiliations: Iron Grenadiers

* * *

Eisenschwinge:

DOB: October 1, 2012

Sex: Female

Nationality: N/A

Species: _F. peregrinus_ (Peregrine falcon)

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: Datajack (allows Goshawk to assume direct control); cybernetic eyes


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30: Iron Grenadiers, Part 6

"Our payment, Commander." Sawbones ordered.

"_You work for Destro, right?_"

"Y-"

"_Well, Destro's my chief lieutenant. Ask him for your payment._"

"Very well, Commander."

"_Now, how's everything going with th-_"

A klaxon blared.

"Sawbones! We've got hostiles in the courtyard!" Metal-Head yelled.

"Don't tell me! Tell Destro!"

"He's taking a nap!"

Sawbones roared in exasperation.

"Get the other Grenadiers. We're going to have to do this ourselves."

* * *

"Well, that was easier-" Grunt began as he and the others surveyed the castle courtyard.

Spirit tensed up.

"Chief, what's wr-" Tunnel Rat began.

"Ready your weapons. We have hostiles inbound."

"How do you know?" Grand Slam asked.

"I can hear them."

Just then, a young brunette woman in a catsuit entered the courtyard.

"Is that your hosti-" Tunnel Rat began.

As if on cue, the Joes' demolitions expert found himself lifted a good five feet off the ground.

"_Ten little soldiers went out to dine; one choked his little self and then there were nine._" Psi-Spy sing-songed as she slowly began to suffocate Tunnel Rat.

"Guys…HELP! HEL-_" _Tunnel Rat sputtered, his cries eventually giving way to choking noises.

"_Nine little soldiers sat up very late; one overslept himself and then there were eight._"

Breaker suddenly collapsed.

"Take this, devil child." Spirit hissed as he threw his tactical tomahawk.

"_Seven little soldiers chopping up sticks; one chopped himself in halves and then there were six._"

As if on cue, the tomahawk stopped in mid-air and made a beeline towards its thrower before embedding itself in the flower bed. At the same time, the other Iron Grenadiers filed into the courtyard.

"_Six little soldiers playing with a hive- a bumblebee stung one and then there were f-_"

Grand Slam fired his laser rifle and broke Psi-Spy's concentration. Tunnel Rat fell to the ground and coughed up phlegm.

"I owe you one!" the latter proclaimed.

Spirit turned and removed his tomahawk from Destro's begonias.

"Who are you people?" he growled.

"We are the Alpha Squad of the Iron Grenadiers." Sawbones proudly answered.

"You specifically." Grunt added.

"I am called Sawbones. My cohort with the beard is Metal-Head, the young woman who tried to kill you with her brain is Psi-Spy, the woman with the bird is Goshawk, the man with the shotgun is Ashe, and then there's Tinman."

The sixth Grenadier tore their greatcoat off, exposing a robotic body beneath.

"_Stand and deliver! Your money or your life!_" Tinman sang.

"Oh for the love of- who let Tinman listen to Adam Ant?" Sawbones griped.

"YO JOE!" Spirit yelled.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Last OC bio- Tinman!

* * *

Real Name: N/A

DOB: N/A

Nationality: N/A

Gender: "Male" (technically N/A)

Weapons: M.A.R.S Industries "Redline" laser rifle; diamond-toothed chainsaw (replica of Buzzer's)

MOS: Battle Android Trooper

Arcane/psionic powers: None

Cybernetic/biological augmentations: None

Affiliations: Iron Grenadiers


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31: Iron Grenadiers, Part 6

"_Who do I turn to, when I'm feelin' bad? Whether unhappy, angry or sad?_" Psi-Spy sang.

"Shut up, kiddo!" Sawbones grumbled.

"Don't call me 'kiddo'." came the reply.

The Iron Grenadiers listened in horror as Psi-Spy's voice dropped an octave.

"I am the pinnacle of psychic might! And now it's _playtime!_"

Sawbones and Tinman were thrown right into the begonias.

"_Eins, zwei, Polizei._"

Goshawk and Ashe were knocked down like tenpins.

"_Drei, vier, Offizier._"

"BANG! BANG!" Metal-Head cried out.

His assault cannon fired, and Psi-Spy stopped the rounds in mid-air.

"_Fünf, sechs, alte Hex._"

"No- stop! Don't do it!"

"_Sieben, acht, gute Nacht!_"

The rounds from the assault cannon flew right back at Metal-Head and sent him flying into another section of the flowerbeds.

"_Neun, zehn, auf Wiedersehen!_"

"AFTER HER!" Grunt ordered.

* * *

"_When I take the floor, as I've often done before_…" Psi-Spy sang as she reentered the room containing the five captured Joes.

"Stop it! Stop it! I beg of you please stop!" Duke bawled.

"_I feel a change come over me. I get-_"

The door flew open as Grunt kicked it.

"Oh, hai! Want to play?"

"Let them go, woman!" Grand Slam ordered.

"Oh, you want your friends? Well, winning is everything, or at least the Misfits say that."

"I prefer the Holograms." Grunt replied.

"_Burn baby burn! Disco inferno! Burn baby burn! Burn that mother down!_" Psi-Spy sang.

As of on cue, a small fire started behind the incoming Joes.

"Playtime's over! YO JOE!" Spirit yelled.

Psi-Spy watched in horror as the Joes' Amerindian tracker drop-kicked her, and the fire stopped.

"Come on! Let's get our guys outta here!"

Duke lay sprawled out on his table as Grunt and Breaker approached him.

"Sergeant Hauser? You okay?"

"I-I-I've got n-n-no strings…" Duke sputtered.

"What the-" Breaker began.

"He's in shock! Somebody get him some water ASAP!"

Flint looked from his restraints with a thousand-yard stare.

"Sergeant Fairborne, the evac copter's inbound! You're going to be all right!" Grand Slam announced.

"No. I'm not. I've been here for God-knows-how-long. I've seen things that no man should ever have to see."

"What about-"

Scarlett was bawling like a baby as she was loosed from her restraints.

"Or-"

"Is it over?" Roadblock asked as Spirit cut him free.

"Or-"

"_Anata ni damu osuushi o egao ni tamotsu koto wa waratte anata ni damu no ushi o tamotsu egao tsudzukeru-_" Snake Eyes ranted.

"What happened here?" Tunnel Rat asked.

"Sergeant O'Hara, what-" Grunt asked.

"I feel raped! That psychic bitch went through my mind-" Scarlett began before breaking down into another round of crying.

"Oh. My. God." was Grunt's only reply.

* * *

THE PIT:

"Well, all hail the conquering-" Doc began as the Tomahawk landed.

The passenger doors opened, and the five captured Joes exited. Scarlett's eyes were red and puffy from hours of nonstop crying, Flint was gazing off into the background, Roadblock was shuddering, and Snake Eyes was clenching and unclenching his fists. Behind them were Breaker and Spirit, carrying Duke on a stretcher.

"-heroes?"

"Doc, get Psyche-Out on the double. These five need counseling ASAP." Grunt ordered.

"For wh-"

"PTSD, that's what."

"H-"

"Tell him to treat them like he would rape victims, because that's the closest to what they've been through."

Doc nodded.

"Yes, Corporal."

* * *

"Five of my best are effectively out of the field for some time, and now we've got COBRA babies to deal with." Hawk griped as he read over Grunt's debrief.

"Sir, who's going to-"

"I have no idea. This war's moving too fast for me. Only a few weeks ago, we thought we had it bad with a rock and roll band. Now we have a whole new faction to fight, and they kicked our asses on their first go."

* * *

_I've got no strings to hold me down. To make me fret, or make me frown. I had strings, but now I'm free. There are n-_

Duke was sweating bullets as he bolted upright from his bed.

"Oh god! Make it stop! Make it stop!" he cried.

* * *

_Eins, zwei, Polizei. Drei, vier, Offizier. Fünf, sechs, alte H-_

Scarlett screamed as she awakened.

"Get out of my head! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32: Primordial Plot, Part 1

COBRA ISLAND- SEVERAL WEEKS LATER:

"Destro! Is the camera rolling?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Baroness- bring our guest in here!"

A bound and gagged man in a rolling chair was pushed into the frame.

"_Hello, world! It is I, Cobra Commander, with an important message! This man here is the eminent biologist/geneticist/dabbler in paleontology/whatever the hell else he does for a living Dr. Jonathan Massey. Now, you may be asking yourselves_ 'What is Cobra Commander doing now? Is he preparing some mighty pestilence or plague to unleash upon the world?'_ The answer is of course, no. Instead, Dr. Massey here is doing something much more valuable for me- recreating and cloning dinosaurs for my army! By the end of the month, I will have eliminated my K-9 Corps in exchange for trained therapod dinosaurs! And if any of you start getting ideas- I have trained velociraptors and you don't! Bye!_"

Destro turned off the camera.

"C-C-Commander, you do realize that real dinosaurs had feathers and that what you're having me produce aren't actually velociraptors. They're based off _Utahraptor_, and even then, your demands to make them look more like the dinosaurs in _Jurassic Park_, combined with the need to reconstruct the surviving DNA fragments with genetic material from other animals-" Massey began.

"_QUIET! _I needed super-intelligent war animals that looked sufficiently badass, and dinosaurs fit the bill! And when I teach them how to operate AK-47s, I will have a completely loyal army that will do anything I say for bits of raw meat!"

* * *

THE PIT:

"CC's creating _dinosaurs_?" Roadblock sputtered.

"Yep." Breaker replied.

"Shouldn't that be- you know, impossible?" Duke added.

"Yep."

"More importantly, shouldn't we go and do something about it? Like find wherever he's keeping those things and drop firebombs on it?" Ace piped up.

"Yep."

Scarlett raised her hand.

"I say we go and kick COBRA in the pills for what those Iron Grenadiers did to us. Who's with me?"

Duke and Snake Eyes raised their hands.

"Tell Spirit and Doc to meet us in the Tomahawk. Ace, fire the old bird up- we're going to Cobra Island North." Duke ordered.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

As for why the Joes haven't attacked Cobra Island…well, Cobra Commander's got a _lot_ of manpower and hardware defending that island. An assault on it with anything less than a full-sized navy and army combined would probably end badly for the attackers. As for aerial assaults…well, the Commander's probably clever enough to invest in good anti-air systems. _A lot of them_.

And as for where COBRA's keeping their cloned dinosaurs, Cobra Island is more akin to a small cluster of islands. Cobra Island proper is where Cobra Commander and his merry band of lunatics live and work, Cobra Island South is where COBRA maintains its factories and shipyards (and where the vast majority of COBRA's troops live and work), and Cobra Island North is something of a game preserve for Cobra Commander's more exotic war animals. There's also a few smaller islands nearby that serve as laboratories and testing grounds for COBRA's weirder weapons.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33: Primordial Plot, Part 2

COBRA ISLAND NORTH:

"_Have fun. I'm going to set this old girl down elsewhere, m'kay?_" Ace announced over the radio.

"Got it." Duke answered as he and his team set foot in the jungle clearing.

As Doc hit the ground, old memories returned, and he was once again a 16-year old who had enlisted in the Army underage.

* * *

SOUTH VIETNAM- 1971:

"_Greer- report!_"_ a voice barked over the radio._

_A younger Doc grabbed onto his walkie-talkie._

"_This is Greer. Sergeant Colton, what're your orders?"_

"_Recon found a Charlie fortification a couple days ago in the jungle. It's too far out of the way for defoliation attacks, and we need to take it. Brass wants it out- we're going in._"

* * *

THE PRESENT:

"Earth to Doc. Earth to Doc. Hello? Hello? Anybody home in there?" Snake Eyes asked, poking the medic with a pointy stick.

* * *

"_What're the odds we come home from this one, Sergeant?_"

"_Slim, Doc. We're liable to come home in boxes._"

_"Not if I can help it._"

* * *

"Doc? Doc? Is Doc in there? If not, then the lights are on but nobody's h-" Snake Eyes continued as he prodded his cohort.

Doc snapped out of his flashback and jerked the stick out of Snake Eyes's hands.

"I'm not that senile just yet, kiddo!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This version of Doc is an old man- think of Ratchet from _Transformers Animated_ and you'll have a good idea of what I'm trying to do with him. Basically, he's an old veteran who's still in good enough shape to keep up with the other Joes.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34: Primordial Plot, Part 3

"So, any ideas of how we're going to get those overgrown lizards?" Scarlett asked.

"I've got a few. Spirit- find something you can carve, like hardwood or bamboo. Duke, Snake Eyes- make yourselves useful and get to digging a pit. Scarlett- see if you can't find something like a wild boar that we can use as bait." Doc answered.

"Doc, you're forgetting chain of comm-" Duke began.

"And you're forgetting I'm a senior citizen! Trust me, I know what I'm doing here…"

* * *

SOUTH VIETNAM- 1971:

"_Medic! Medic!"_

_A younger Doc ran towards his fallen comrade._

"_Sergeant Colton! Are you-"_

_Doc looked down and saw the sharpened bamboo stake that had punctured his sergeant's foot._

"_Punji sticks. Sarge, we've got to get you out of here-"_

"_Greer, I'll live. It's just a flesh w-"_

"_No. We've got to get you out of here for treatment. Trust me- tetanus and gangrene are liable to set in if we don't get that wound cleaned out._"

* * *

"Doc! Earth to-"

"I hear you, Duke."

"You spaced out on us again!"

"Just an old soldier's memories. Now, let's get busy."

* * *

A reptilian form lurked in the nearby underbrush as it sighted the recently arrived Joes.

_Alert the handlers._ it thought.

The raptor turned around and made its way to a nearby observation station, approached a video terminal, and entered the contact number.

"_Oh, it's you._" Cobra Commander muttered.

The raptor nodded and pounded away on a keyboard, its message appearing before Cobra Commander on his work station.

"_GI Joe is WHERE?! Are you high?_"

The raptor shook its head.

"_Well, in that case- GOSHAWK! You and a platoon of Vipers are to go to the game preserve and deal with the intruders!_"


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35: Primordial Plot, Part 4

"And that's how you build a punji stick trap!" Doc commented as he surveyed the team's handiwork.

"Can we just hunt some dinosaurs? I'm bored." Snake Eyes groaned as he hoisted himself out of the pit.

Spirit turned to face his cohorts.

"They're coming. We should hide."

Duke nodded, and the Joes entered the underbrush.

* * *

SOUTH VIETNAM- 1971:

"_OH SWEET MOTHER OF MARY IT HURTS!_" _Colton screamed as he was hoisted out of the punji trap._

"_Sarge, I'd advice you to keep the noise down. Every scream that passes through your mouth is a great big sign saying 'Here be Yankees' to the VC._"

"_But it-_"

_Doc reached into his medic's bag and removed a bottle and a rag._

"_Breathe in, Sarge. You'll need it._"

_Colton was silent as Doc pressed the chloroform-soaked rag against his face._

* * *

"Doc? You're spac-"

"I'm fine, Scarlett. I'm made of sterner stuff than you'd think."

From their vantage point, the team watched as the cloned raptors looked at the dead boar lying near the pit.

"Dumb an-" Spirit began to whisper.

One of the raptors grabbed a stick and poked at the foliage covering the stakes, revealing the trap for what it was.

_What?!_ was the collective mental response.

"Alright- it's pretty clear that hunting these things is pretty much a lost cause. I say we leg it-" Snake Eyes began.

Just then, Duke's radio buzzed.

"Ace?"

"_Hey, guys. Hate to be the fun police, but you've got COBRA forces inbound by sea._"

"Then get us out of here."

"_No problemo, compadre._"

As if on cue, a rope ladder descended from the hovering Tomahawk.

"Doc?"

* * *

"_This is is Lance-Corporal Carl Greer, 2nd Light Infantry! We are pinned down by VC!_"

"_Where's your comm-_"

"_Sergeant Colton is wounded and incapacitated! Request medevac ASAP!_"

"_Greer-_"

"_LT, I've not got time for your bull! Colton got stuck on a punji trap and I had to chloroform him to keep him quiet! I need a-_"

* * *

"Doc? You okay?" Spirit asked.

Doc shook his head.

"Charlie, when did your dad serve in 'Nam?"

"'72. Why do you ask?"

"Kiddo, I was there just now with Joe Colton."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This was going to be a bit longer, but I had another idea I wanted to do.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36: GI Vice, Part 1

"Two for one special today!" Hawk gleefully announced as he surveyed the Joes.

Snake Eyes groaned.

"What do y-" Roadblock began.

"COBRA's up to stuff in Miami. On the one hand, we've got the Commander and his usual buddies checking out a gator farm. On the other, we've got info that some of CC's goons are going off the books and started up their own drug cartel- they call it the Red Flag."

"And your point is?" Duke asked.

"We've got the manpower, so we're going to send two different teams in. Duke, Grunt, Gung Ho, and Recondo- you're on gator farm detail. Flint, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Clutch, Ace, and Cover Girl- you're bringing down the Red Flag with our guy in the MPD. Any questions?"

Flint shot his hand up.

"How's my team g-"

"With utmost stealth. You guys are going undercover."

* * *

MIAMI:

"What's Courtney doing here again?" Lady Jaye asked as the Joes walked through a shopping center.

"Fashion consultant." Clutch answered.

"We need one?" Snake Eyes asked.

"Of course we do! I mean, if you want to take down a drug dealer undercover, you've got to dress the part!" came Cover Girl's response.

"Funny. In my experience, drug dealers didn't usually wear suits."

Scarlett's eyes wandered around the storefronts.

"Hey, Courtney? There's some stuff from that new Elmsford Collection- is that fashionable?"

Cover Girl nodded.

"Fine. I'll go along with this one." Lady Jaye moaned as she approached her two cohorts.

* * *

"So, what's it with you and fashion, Flint? I thought paratroopers only cared that their clothes were dry." Clutch asked.

"I'm from high society. You want to succeed in the upper crust, you better keep an ear to the ground."

"How'd an old money dandy like you get to throwing yourself out of airplanes then?" Snake Eyes snarked.

"Joined the Army to tick off my parents, that's how. Same story with Jaye."


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37: GI Vice, Part 2

"We look like a padre of absolute ponces." Snake Eyes lamented as he adjusted his sunglasses, surveying his cohorts as he did so.

"Well, it wasn't my idea to buy a pink blazer, now was what?" Flint retorted as he fidgeted with his suit jacket's collar.

Snake Eyes was silent as he lowered his sunglasses, giving Flint a good look at his cybereyes.

"So, anybody want to hit the clubs?" Ace asked.

"Might as well." Scarlett replied.

* * *

THE DEVIL'S DUE LOUNGE- A FEW HOURS LATER:

Flint returned to the Joes' table with a fresh round of drinks.

"Where're Ace and Snake Eyes?" he whispered.

"Saw some chicks a few minutes ago. Probably trying to pick them up."

Flint nodded.

"Anything of note?"

"One of them had green hair-"

Flint's jaw dropped.

* * *

"Hey, babydoll." Ace crooned as he walked up to his mark.

The green-haired woman turned and faced the Joes' pilot.

"What's your game, bud?"

"Want me to buy you a drink?"

The woman smirked.

"Yeah. I'll take a glass of retsina."

"So, what's the plan?" Scarlett asked in hushed tones as she finished her whiskey sour.

"We meet our guy in the MPD tomorrow. His name's Philip "Chuckles" Provost, and he's going to set us up with our fake identities." Flint replied, nursing a mint julep.

"Just tell our lost ones that plan when they get back." Cover Girl added.

* * *

"So, I never got your name." Ace piped up as he finished his second martini.

"You live under a rock or something?"

"Kind of- wait a sec. Aren't you with the Mis- oh yeah! You're Pizzazz!"

Pizzazz set down her wineglass.

"You got me. If you want tickets to our gig here, you're barking up the wrong tree."

"Maybe I don't want to get into the concert. Maybe I want to have a private jam session, if you know what I mean."

Pizzazz studied the man who had just propositioned her and smirked.

"Deal. Now, what's your name?"

"Brad J. Armbuster. Now, where do you want to-"

"Where're you staying?"

"Fontainebleau. And you?"

"Same hotel. Meet me at 10."

* * *

"WAR! Huh! Good God, y'all! What is it good for?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" Snake Eyes drunkenly sang.

As if on cue, a young woman with electric blue hair walked up to the blitzed ninja.

"You want to keep it down? Some of us are trying to have a good time!"

"_Anata wa shizukani suru koto wa dekimasu ka? Watashi wa anata o kiku koto wa dekimasen!_"

"_Shǎguā_." came the response.

"You little b-"

"_Aja! Where's my drink?!_"

"Coming, J!"

* * *

SOME TIME LATER:

"_YES! YES! OH, YOU'RE MAKING IT FEEL SO GOOD LIKE A YOUNG GIRL SHOULD!_" Pizzazz cried out.

In the Joes' suite, Flint buried his head under a pillow.

"Oh, Dashell…"

Flint turned around and saw Lady Jaye standing in a set of lacy lingerie.

"Alison, I'm not in the mood right now. Not when I have to hear Ace and that shrill shrieking banshee he picked up at the club from the next suite over."

* * *

"Well, how was it?" Ace asked as he rolled off Pizzazz.

The green-haired Misfit smirked as she reached for a flask of retsina.

"Pretty damn good." she answered.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Why yes, Ace and Pizzazz did just have a fling with each other. They're my new official crack pairing. And why yes, the Holograms and Misfits are going to play a bit of role in this arc. I figured that with all the times they've gotten caught up in whatever COBRA's latest scheme is, they deserved to show up here in a bit more of an active role. And as for chronology, this takes place between the "Cry Cobra" and "Alone Again" arcs of _Musical Illusionists._

Also, you get bonus points if you translate Snake Eyes's and Aja's lines.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38: GI Vice, Part 3

"So, where's the rest of your team?" Chuckles asked.

Flint sighed.

"They decided that since we were outside a formal operation, they could sleep in for once."

"Pity. Guess you and Jaye are going to have to give them the fakes."

Lady Jaye nodded.

"So, who're we s-"

"Solomon and Alison Gunn. You're ex-mercenaries, got into the narcotics trade to make some scratch about three years ago, and now you're looking for a slice of the Red Flag pie."

"And everyone else?"

"They're your entourage. Now, I've got a little something out back…"

* * *

Flint and Lady Jaye gawked at the Ferrari waiting in the police station's parking lot.

"Where'd you-"

"It's my car. I'm letting you guys use it because Hawk told me to. Now, promise me you won't do anything stupid with it."

"Chuckles, you have my word that if it takes any damage, it'll be a quick fix-up in the shop. Can't promise 'not a scratch', because look who we're dealing with." Flint replied.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39: GI Vice, Part 4

"Come on, Scarlett! We haven't got all day!" Cover Girl yelled

"_You sure it's safe to come out now?_"

"Positive."

The suite's bathroom door creaked open, and Scarlett emerged wearing a yellow polka-dot bikini.

"Hot damn…" Clutch whispered.

The Joes' vehicle operator was promptly given a dope slap by Snake Eyes.

"I wonder how the other team's doing…" Cover Girl whispered.

* * *

MEANWHILE, AT THE OCBAR ALLIGATOR FARM- 20 MILES OUTSIDE OF MIAMI:

"Wait for me, you fools!" Cobra Commander shrieked as the Baroness, Storm Shadow, and Croc Master hopped into a waiting Water Moccasin.

"You brought a Trouble Bubble! Use it, nimrod!" Baroness replied before the Water Moccasin roared off.

"Oh yeah. I did bring one of those…"

"_THERE HE IS! GET HIM!_" Gung Ho shouted.

Cobra Commander ran towards a nearby shed and entered it.

"You can't stay in there forever, bud!" Recondo exclaimed.

As if on cue, the shed collapsed, and a Trouble Bubble with Cobra Commander at its controls rose from its remains.

"_TOO LATE, FOOLS!_ _I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!_"

* * *

BACK IN MIAMI:

"They're probably doing just fine." Scarlett replied.

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Clutch, go-"

The Joes' driver opened the door, and the team's eyes went wide as saucers.

"It's the Holograms!" Cover Girl squealed.

"And the Misfits." Snake Eyes added.

"Hey, Armbuster! We're taking on the Horrorgrams here in a little bout of beach volleyball in a few minutes! Want to bring your buddies along?" Pizzazz announced.

Ace vigorously nodded.

"Meet you on the beach, pretty boy." Roxy replied.

At that moment, a predatory bird flew past the suite window. Its cybernetic eyes recorded the Joes' conversation as it began its return to its master.

"Excellent work, Eisenschwinge. Who's a good girl?" the bird's handler cooed as her peregrine falcon perched on her shoulder.

The Iron Grenadier known as Goshawk whipped out her smartphone and dialed.

"_Yes?_"

"The Joes seem to be onto us. Should we-"

"_Not yet. Let us bide our time._"

"Acknowledged. See you soon, Zanzibar."


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40: GI Vice, Part 5

"Hawk, we put a stop to COBRA's gator farm. But they all got away." Duke reported.

"_Acknowledged. Wild Bill's picking you guys up and bringing you home._"

Duke turned off the radio.

"Where do you think-" Grunt began.

"Baroness, the ninja, and the other guy are probably headed to Miami." Recondo answered.

"And the Commander?" Gung Ho retorted.

Duke shuddered at the thought of Cobra Commander doing what he had announced.

"Let's not think about it."

* * *

MIAMI:

"Oh for the love of- what a bunch of slackers!" Flint bellowed as he and Lady Jaye saw the rest of their team on the beach.

"We're undercover, Dashell. Let them have their fun-"

As if on cue, an errant volleyball bounced off Flint's Panama hat and hit the borrowed Ferrari.

"Damnit."

* * *

"Oh for the love of- STOP STARING!"

Jem and company couldn't help but feel a tinge of schadenfreude as Jetta hastily covered her chest with a beach towel.

"Oh, I am going to get the chav who did this if it's the last thing I do!"

Snake Eyes made suspicious innocent whistling noises while hiding a Union Jack bikini top behind his back.

"What?" he piped up as everyone else stared at him.

As if on cue, Roxy snuck up behind the ninja and pried the bikini top loose from his grasp.

"Found it!"

_Time for a disappearing act_. Snake Eyes thought as a very angry Jetta walked up towards him.

Just then, Flint arrived on the beach.

"What's going on around here?"

* * *

ONE EXPLANATION LATER:

"You're going to put civvies at risk?" Lady Jaye asked.

"They're not going to draw as much suspicion in gathering intel as we would." Snake Eyes replied.

"Speaking of intel, we've got ourselves a lead. And it's a big one." Flint added.

"Define 'big one'." Clutch demanded.

"Red Flag's leaders are holding some kind of bash at a mansion in Key Largo, and the Gunns have been invited."

"Who?" Ace asked.

* * *

ANOTHER EXPLANATION LATER:

"So, what do we-"

"Apparently, our hosts asked for a private battle of the bands between Misfits and Holograms."

"We already did one for Cobra Commander himself!" Pizzazz hissed.

"Just go with it. You'll be doing the world a favor."

"When's the party?" Shana asked.

"Tonight at 10."


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41: GI Vice, Part 6

RED FLAG HEADQUARTERS- KEY LARGO:

Zanzibar leaned back in a large mahogany throne as the Baroness and Storm Shadow approached him.

"How did the alligator farm go?"

"GI Joe was there."

Tomax and Xomat winced from their less opulent wicker chairs.

"Then-" Tomax began.

"-there may be more of them-" Xomat continued.

"-investigating us." both finished in unison.

Zanzibar slouched further into his throne.

"Tell the Lampreys to prepare the _Argonaut_ for departure. If GI Joe comes here, it will be prudent to have an escape route."

"What about the Grenadiers?" Tomax asked.

"Tell Goshawk and Metal-Head we will need them here."

* * *

"Has anyone seen my cologne?" Flint demanded.

Ace handed his cohort a half-empty bottle.

"It'll have to do."

In the background, Snake Eyes was ironing out his blazer.

"_So, would you like to- you know- do some freelance modeling for us_?" Shana asked from the other nearby suite.

"_YES! I'd love too!_" Cover Girl replied.

Lady Jaye sighed as she finished applying her perfume.

"Now where's Sc-"

The bathroom door swung open, and Scarlett emerged wearing the Elmsford collection's "Sophisticated Lady" line and her mirrorshades. Ace softly whistled.

"How're we doing for time?"

Flint looked at his watch.

"It's only 7:30. Let's wait up for our cohorts."

* * *

HALF AN HOUR LATER:

"So, what about transportation arrangements?" Snake Eyes asked as the elevator descended.

Flint groaned.

"Okay, here's the plan. J- I mean, Alison and I are going to take the Ferrari. Ace, you're in the Misfits' van. Clutch, Cover Girl- you're in the Rockin' Roadster. Snake Eyes- you're in the Holograms' other car with Kimber and Stormer."

Everyone nodded in unison as the elevator dinged, indicating that they were now in the parking garage.

"Any questions?" Flint asked.

Stormer raised her hands.

"Can I get my contacts out of the van first?"

Pizzazz groaned.

"Stormer, I think you can do w-"

"I don't want to be stumbling around because everything's all blurry!"

Roxy reached into her bag and produced a box of contact lenses.

"Hurry up and put them in."

Snake Eyes looked as the blue-haired Misfit opened the box, removed a pair of slightly-tinted lenses, and popped them in.

"Okay! I'm ready to go!"

Snake Eyes sighed and adjusted his aviators as he climbed into the Holograms' other roadster.

* * *

"So, why are you wearing sunglasses at night?" Kimber asked Snake Eyes once everyone was underway.

"So I can, so I can, watch you weave then breathe your storylines."

Kimber grinned at the joke

"And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, keep track of the visions in my eyes." Snake Eyes continued.

Stormer smiled at the ninja's snarky response.

"I don't get it…" Raya piped up.

"You missed the '80s, sweetheart." Snake Eyes deadpanned.

"Seriously- why do you-"

Snake Eyes adjusted his aviators and gave Stormer a good look at the slightly phosphorescent cybereyes behind the glasses.

"How about we put on some music?" Kimber asked.

Stormer reached for the radio dial, and the opening notes of an old song began to play.

"Come on, Kimber! Sing along if you know the words!"

"_Sweet dreams are made of these/who am I to disagree?_"

* * *

"Are you sure we can-" Flint asked.

"D- I mean, Solomon- I'm sure." Lady Jaye replied.

"Good. The sooner we break up this cartel, the better."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Scarlett's attire is a reference to one of the _Jem_ fashions released by Hasbro as part of the toyline. The mirrorshades were my idea. As for why Stormer wears tinted contacts…well, she's got sensitive eyes and doesn't have 20/20 vision. Also, she probably wouldn't want to wear sunglasses constantly, hence the contact lenses.

Also, see if you can catch what Snake Eyes is referencing when Kimber asks him about his sunglasses. As for why he can wear them and still drive- he's got cybereyes.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42: GI Vice, Part 7

"For the love of- this isn't impressive! This is tasteless!" Pizzazz shrieked as she saw the mansion's interior.

"Keep it down. This is even more dangerous than the Cobra Island gig-" Jem began.

"Seriously! It's like these people watched _Scarface_ and thought 'Hey, I want all that nice crap', all the while ignoring the fact that the whole damn point of the movie was that Tony's life was circling down the drain and no amount of luxury goods could stop it!"

"That's…surprisingly insightful." Lady Jaye piped up.

"I minored in cinema at Stanford."

"You? A Stanford graduate?" Jem retorted.

"Oh, so you assume just because I'm always trying to soak in the limelight that means I can't have a high-quality education? Is that it?"

"I'm surprised they let you in."

"You pink-haired b-"

Scarlett got between the two.

"Both of you, knock it off!"

Jem and Pizzazz relented.

"Now, you should all get ready for your performance."

* * *

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER:

"Mister and Missus Gunn, I presume?"

Flint looked up at the man greeting them.

"That's us. And you are…"

"Morgan Teach. But perhaps you know me better as Zanzibar- the COBRA pirate."

"Maybe." Lady Jaye replied.

"Let's get to business, shall we? If you wish to have a stake in the Red Flag, I need you to do something for me."

"What?"

"I want your bodyguard. The redhead with the mirrorshades."

"And if I say no?" Scarlett retorted.

"Then I have you fed to the alligators."

"Isn't that…harsh?"

"Mr. Gunn, Solomon, whatever you like to be called- I'll tell you a secret. Fear is the glue that holds men together. Give them something to fear, some hellish thing from a fever dream, and men will drop to their knees and beg."

"And when they stop being afraid?"

"You're too deep a thinker, Gunn. How about we have a few drinks?"

* * *

"_Click- and it comes into focus! Click- and the world takes notice!_" Jem sang in the background.

"So, do we have a deal?" Zanzibar asked.

"What if I say no?"

Zanzibar reached for his revolver.

"This is an offer you can't refuse. Either you go along with it, or you don't see the next day's dawn."

Just then, a large cake was wheeled into the main hall.

"There's someone in it, I'm s-"

As if on cue, the Baroness popped out of the cake, an Uzi in her hand.

"What'll it be, Gunn?"

Flint was sweating bullets when he heard a shout.

"_Hey Zanzibar! Look who I found!_"

Everyone's head turned as Storm Shadow approached, dragging Snake Eyes by the wrist.

"You thought that a pink blazer and a pair of sunglasses could shield your identity, old friend?"

"Go to hell, Tommy."

Storm Shadow turned to Zanzibar.

"Shoot them and be done with it. They're quite obviously GI Joe."

"Yeah, well- SCREW THE STEALTH APPROACH!"

Lady Jaye drew her own gun.

"Hands behind your head, Zanzibar. The jig is up!"

"_Clash- that's what we're gonna do!_" Pizzazz sang.

The Baroness grinned as she pressed down on the trigger and sent forth a hail of bullets from her Uzi.

"Hit the deck!"

Hologram and Misfit alike dived behind the nearest objects that could serve as cover.

"Okay- this was not part of the plan!"

"You don't say! Nobody interrupts my performance and gets away with it!"

Stormer winced as Pizzazz raised her head up from behind cover.

"_HEY YOU! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WASHED?!_"

A nearby Lamprey came charging towards the two bands.

"What the-"

Pizzazz ducked again as the Lamprey lunged over the object and collided with a wall.

"Thanks!"

The green-haired Misfit picked up the goon's assault rifle.

"Do you even know h-"

Before Stormer could finish her question, another Lamprey attempted to flank them.

"Beat this!"

The Lamprey was promptly clubbed across the head with a keytar.

"Now take his gun and help me lay down suppression fire!" Pizzazz ordered.

Stormer looked around and saw that Roxy, Jetta, and Aja had managed to take a few errant rifles and were following Pizzazz's orders.

"On it!"

* * *

"How are you being defeated by untrained musicians?!" Zanzibar shrieked from across the room.

_Screw it- I might as well take a shot._

The pirate fired his revolver in the general direction of the Holograms and missed.

"Metal-Head! Give me some real firepower!"

The Iron Grenadier nodded as he readied the assault cannon he carried.

"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" he shrieked.

He pulled the trigger and was promptly knocked flat on his back by the recoil. The fired solid steel slugs hit everything but the Joes, the Misfits, or the Holograms.

"Damn it. Should've worn hip pads…"

"COBRA! Retreat!" Baroness ordered upon seeing the wasteful carnage.

"Wh-"

"We're wasting ammunition, that's why! To the _Argonaut_!"

Zanzibar and company ran for it, with Scarlett and Snake Eyes in hot pursuit.

* * *

A FEW HOURS LATER:

"They got away." Scarlett groaned.

"In a giant submarine." Snake Eyes added.

"Well…that was fun…" Jem stammered as she rose up from behind an overturned bit of sound equipment.

"I say we take tomorrow off for some R&amp;R." Lady Jaye commented.

Kimber rose up as well and got a good look at Scarlett.

_Curves in all the r- Kimber, get a hold of yourself! OH GOD I'M SO CONFUSED! Am I into men? I think so. Yes? No? Maybe?_

"Kimber? Are you-"

"I'm fine! I'm perfectly fine!"

Flint sighed.

"Well, the Red Flag is broken up. Guess we're going home."

"Surely you can afford a day or two more here…" Pizzazz crooned.

* * *

COBRA ISLAND- A FEW DAYS LATER:

"I told you this would happen if you tried to start a drug cartel! But did you listen to me? _NO!_" Destro yelled.

"B-"

As if on cue, the door opened, and Cobra Commander walked in with a mouse ears hat on top of his helmet.

"Where'd you-"

"I went to Disney World and bought a pair!"

"How'd you-"

"Because I'm Cobra Commander! They let me in for free and I got a whole bunch of stuff at discount price, because would _you_ deny access to the leader of the world's greatest nongovernmental superpower to the happiest place on Earth? That and they let me park my Trouble Bubble right near the castle."

Destro groaned.

"Now, here are my pictures…" the Commander began.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43: Call of the Arashikage, Part 1

FURMAN CEMETERY, LOS ANGELES:

"You sure this is the right one?" Scarlett asked.

Snake Eyes nodded and pointed at the tombstone. Scarlett leaned down and read the inscription.

* * *

_LAURENCE "HARD MASTER" ARASHIKAGE_

_APRIL 3, 1947 - NOVEMBER 15, 2012_

_A BELOVED UNCLE AND SENSEI_

* * *

"Do you want me to st-"

"No. Leave us be."

Scarlett nodded and left. Once she was gone, Snake Eyes reached into his bag and produced a bouquet of chrysanthemums.

"_Anata no memori, hādomasutā ni._" he proclaimed as he laid the flowers upon the grave.

The ninja looked to the side and saw another grave near his mentor's. This grave was marked by a Celtic cross as opposed to the humble tombstone that indicated Hard Master's.

_Who's buried_-

He leaned in and read the inscription.

* * *

_JACQULINE ALICE BENTON_

_APRIL 30, 1966 - FEBRUARY 2, 2004_

_A BELOVED SINGER, WIFE AND MOTHER_

"_STARLIGHT IS FOR ALWAYS, EVEN WHEN I'M GONE._"

* * *

At the base of the tombstone sat a bouquet of carnations and yellow roses.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This takes place just a few hours after the end of the "Breakdown" arc of _Musical Illusionists_.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44: Call of The Arashikage, Part 2

"You coming back to the Pit?" Scarlett asked as she and Snake Eyes left the cemetery.

"Not yet. I've got some personal matters to attend to."

* * *

SUMMER 2009:

"_Mister Arashikage, is this the man-" the officer began._

_Hard Master nodded._

"_You want to press ch-"_

"_No. It was only five dollars. In fact, I am impressed by his actions."_

"_You're impressed that he picked your pocket?"_

"_I am not one to be easily taken by surprise. Now, what is his name?_"

"_Robert Miyamoto. Age 21, no family in the area, has an Oregon driver's license._"

"_I'll take him as an apprentice._"

* * *

BUDIANSKY'S COFFEE AND BAKED GOODS- DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES:

Snake Eyes wandered into the coffee shop.

"What'll it be, sir?" a barista asked.

"Just black coffee. Possibly a donut or two."

The barista wrote down the order, and Snake Eyes took a seat.

* * *

"_Welcome to the Arashikage Clan, Robert."_

"_Don't call me that, Hard Master."_

"_Do you have anything better?"_

"_Call me Snake Eyes."_

* * *

"It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning. It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion." Snake Eyes muttered under his breath as he sipped his coffee.

* * *

_AUGUST 2012:_

"_Tommy- we've got to talk. You've got a gambling problem and you're running up debts from the Yakuza._"

"_It's no problem! Once I hit the big one, I'll be able to pay them off!"_

_Snake Eyes grabbed his friend by his shirt collar._

"_Thomas Arashikage, why're you the only one not taking this ninja stuff seriously?"_

"_Because it's in my blood!"_

* * *

ARASHIKAGE DOJO- LITTLE TOKYO:

"Sir, do you have an appointment?" the receptionist asked.

"Tell the sensei that Robert Miyamoto is here." Snake Eyes replied.

* * *

"Very good, Miss Leith. Now, would you mind getting Kimi an ice pack?" the sensei announced.

Before Aja could give any response, Snake Eyes wandered into the main floor.

"Robert, take your boots off." the sensei ordered as he saw his old pupil wander in.

Snake Eyes groaned as he did so.

"Soft Master, I presume?"

"Yes. I trust you came back for a reason."

"I was planning on tying up some loose threads- and now I see you're just picking random people off the street to be ninjas now. Oh wait, I take it back- you're picking up Holograms now."

Aja shot Snake Eyes a dirty look.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

As tempting as it may be, I am going to show restraint and not make this an arc where Aja becomes a member of the Arashikage ninjas. Also, as for why Soft Master's holding classes in the Arashikage dojo…well, they're using it anyways, so why not make a little bit of cash in the process?


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45: Where The Reptiles Roam, Part 1

KERN COUNTY, CALIFORNIA:

"About damn time we got some leave!" Clutch exclaimed as the bus approached the team's vacation spot.

Mutt and Shipwreck leaned towards the nearest windows and saw a road sign that read "BENTON RANCH- 15 MILES".

"You sure we couldn't go somewhere near the sea?" the latter asked.

Scarlett chuckled.

"Look, friend of mine told me she owned this place. I asked if we could use it, and she approved."

"And who would this friend be?" Tunnel Rat asked.

"Oh, nobody you've never heard of. Except her name's on the ranch-"

"Oh, so it's _that_ Benton! As in the head of that record company!" Grand Slam replied.

Scarlett grinned and nodded as the bus continued onwards.

"But did you have to choose a dude ranch? Why couldn't we spend our leave in Los Angeles?" Cover Girl asked.

"Yeah! They have hookers in L.A!" Shipwreck added.

Tunnel Rat grinned at his cohort's off-color proclamation.

"_Squawk! Polly like hookers! Hookers wear shiny things that Polly takes! Squawk!_" Shipwreck's parrot piped up.

Tunnel Rat tossed the parrot a walnut, which it caught in mid-air.

"You can have the Los Angeles smog. I would much prefer to not hack up a lung every time I go there." Spirit retorted.

"Try a surgical mask, omae! They'll do you a world of good!" Clutch sounded off.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Here are the Joes who got leave: Wild Bill, Scarlett, Shipwreck, Clutch, Tunnel Rat, Grand Slam, Mutt, Spirit, Cover Girl, and Thunder.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46: Where The Reptiles Roam, Part 2

"_You see, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert- you can remember your name! 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain!_" Cobra Commander sang along with the radio as he and his party drove into Kern County in a transport variant of a Stinger.

"Remind me why we're out here." Baroness griped.

"Well, last Monday, Extensive Enterprises bought land for a solar plant out here-"

"You mean _Eric_ bought land for a solar plant out here." Baroness insisted.

"Don't you remind me of that treacherous cur! He's lucky I just put him in a position where he couldn't hurt us even if he tried! I mean, he shouldn't be at a desk job! He should be in a shallow grave on Cobra Island North with a little bullseye on his tombstone so that my army of gun-wielding cloned velociraptors can use it for target practice!"

"Wasn't he, like, that record exec-" Cadet Deming piped up from the backseat.

"You be quiet, Cadet! Go bother Serpentor!"

"That's totally unfair! He's got, like, venomous fangs!"

"Father, why does she litter her speech with 'like' and 'totally'?" Serpentor asked from the backseat.

"Because she's a valley girl and there is no cure. Now, first order of business is to get some proper Wild West clothing…"

"There is, like, no way you're getting me into leather chaps!"

"Trust me, I'm not planning to unless you wear a good pair of riding pants too!"

"Commander, may we listen to something besides "Horse With No Name"?" Baroness asked.

Cobra Commander leaned in and popped in a CD.

"Oh n-"

"_Do you believe in magic- in a young girl's heart? How the music can free her- whenever it starts? And it's magic, if the music is groovy! It makes you feel happy like an old-time movie! I'll tell you about the magic, and it'll free your soul- but it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock and roll!"_ Cobra Commander sang.

_I need a stiff drink._ Baroness thought.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47: Where The Reptiles Roam, Part 3

"You must be from GI Joe." a woman piped up.

Scarlett nodded as she helped carry in her cohorts' suitcases.

"And you are?" Thunder asked.

"Judy Gibson. I keep the ranch running in Miss Benton's stead." the woman answered.

"_SQUAWK! Polly want a cracker!_"

The Joes glared at the green-and-yellow parrot perched on Shipwreck's shoulder.

"What? Parrots are social animals, and Snake Eyes still hasn't forgiven me for that one time where Polly bit him where it _really_ hurt-" Shipwreck began.

Mutt and Tunnel Rat grinned at the memory.

"So, Judy- how comfortable are we going to be?" Grand Slam asked.

"We've got air conditioning, electricity, and indoor plumbing right off the bat. Also, Miss Benton asked me to set up wi-fi here in the house a few weeks ago. Said something about needing to keep an ear to the ground about her company."

"What's the password?" Thunder asked.

"Showtime, Starlight. All one word, all little letters."

"Moving on- do you need us to, you know, do any ranch work?" Scarlett asked.

Miss Gibson shook her head.

"We've got a regular staff of ranch hands to handle that. But you can pitch in if you want."

Just then, Mutt's dog approached Miss Gibson.

"Hey, Mutt! You want to get Junkyard?" Tunnel Rat asked.

Junkyard rubbed against the caretaker's leg.

"I take it this is-"

"Yeah, he's mine. Relax- Junkyard here's a pretty nice dog. Unless you're COBRA, in which case you better run."

"What breed is he?"

Mutt paused for thought.

"Guy at the shelter said he was part Australian Cattle Dog."

"The other part?"

"Whippet."

"_The girl you saw before? That's not the real me!_" Polly squawked.

"Who let my bird listen to the Holograms?!" Shipwreck yelled.

Tunnel Rat began to whistle as the Joes' eyes drew towards him.

"What?" he asked.

"_We're makin' mischief, we're makin' mischief! And we're really gettin' in it!_" Polly sang.

"Hey, Hector? Why don't you sign your bird up for the Misfits?" Cover Girl teased.

"Poor thing might get lost in Pizzazz's hair." Scarlett retorted.


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48: Where The Reptiles Roam, Part 4

"Is everybody ready?" Cover Girl asked.

Thunder nodded.

"Bring in the bird."

Shipwreck entered the room and placed Polly down on a chair.

"Tunnel Rat- hit it."

The Joes' demolitions expert pressed "RECORD" on a nearby electronic recorder, while Scarlett started up an instrumental version of "Winning Is Everything".

"_Winning is everything! Winning is everything! It isn't how you play the game!_" the parrot began.

"What's the point of this?" Mutt asked.

"Long story, omae. Let's just say that old Shipwreck here got a whiskey sour splashed on him by a green-haired singer who will remain nameless for the time being." Tunnel Rat replied.

"And what do we do with the r-" Spirit asked.

"Email them to her!"

* * *

TWO HOURS LATER:

"And- done! My revenge is complete!" Shipwreck gloated as he sent the email.

"Pizzazz is going to have a coronary when she hears me!" Polly added.

Just then, Scarlett walked in.

"Hey, Shipwreck. We've got a movie ready in the basement."

"What's the feature?"

"_Rio Bravo_. Wild Bill insisted we watch it."

"I'll bite."

"I liked it better when it was called _Assault on Precinct 13! SQUAWK!_" Polly piped up.

"Don't want to bust your bubble, Polly- but _Rio Bravo_ came first." Scarlett retorted.

"Polly likes synth music, pilgrim!" came the reply.

Shipwreck cracked a smile.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For those who've never heard of it, _Rio Bravo_ was a 1959 Western starring John Wayne, in which a sheriff, the town drunk, a cripple, and a cowboy have to hold a killer in jail and hold out against an assault from a gang until reinforcements arrive. _Assault on Precinct 13_ is an early John Carpenter movie that lifts the basic "small group has to hold out against a gang until reinforcements arrive" premise of _Rio Bravo_ and sets it in inner-city Los Angeles in what was then the present (read: the 1970s).


End file.
